I was only able to stay home for about a week and had to return to work. When I landed, E surprised me in the airport. I was overcome with emotions and he was the person I needed. I talked to him about moving home. Needing my family. This quickly turned into an argument and he left. The next few months were like this. We argued often. He had no idea how much I loved him. He told me he didnt want a relationship and I kept pouring my heart into him. It quickly became evident I was the "side chick". I became very resentful.
I needed to once again change my life. I refocused myself. Reminded myself of my dreams and began foster classes. E was in and out of my life until the day baby M came to stay with me. He will text here and there but it always ends in a request for me to come over and me telling him no.
My best friend hates him. When I said something was different about E, something big happened. He made a very poor choice when he was 19 and this landed him in prison for two years. He is forever changed. He was transporting people illegally across the border and my best friend's husband is border patrol. Not a great combo. E's choices prevent me from being with him. He smokes marijuana. I cannot be part of that. I will lose everything I have worked so hard at getting. Although I say he has changed, he still has some of the qualities that I fell in love with. His heart is bigger than anyone I know when he lets it shine. His smile melts my heart. The sound of his voice makes my heart skip a beat. His eyes still pierce my soul. He is loving and caring. He is empathetic and funny. I adore his laugh. He is smart. He is genuine. He doesn't love me like I love him.
I cant help but think we could have been the greatest love story ever told. I'm told this by some friends as well. Why did we make that commitment when we were kids? 30 and we would get married.... Why did he find me just after I turned 30? Why is he so jaded and hurt? Why do I love him so much? My heart aches so much for him some days.
I am happy. I am loving parenting. I miss him. I need to move forward. But how? What if I find someone new but still fall asleep to the thought of him.
-K
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Friday, March 20, 2015
Love
When I was ten, I was kidnapped by my mother. She took me from my siblings and father and kept me from them for a number of years. I met two kids my age almost the same day I was taken out here. One of them continues to be my friend. When we were 21, she was in a car accident and suffered brain damage. She is mentally about 14-15. Her mom, brothers, and grandfather have become my family. I honestly wouldn't have anyone without them and I am eternally grateful for them!
The other person, E, became the love of my life. E was the first boy I held hands with, first boy I hugged, first boy that kissed me, first crush, first boyfriend, first everything. And I do mean everything. We dated multiple times; 10, 13, 15, and 17. We are polar opposties but they say opposites attract, right??
We use to hide at the park, while our moms played softball, and kiss beneath the bleachers. He would ride his bike across the town in the middle of summer to see me. We lived on the other side of the tracks per-say. His mom is somewhat wealthy, step father is decent, and lived in a great house. I lived near the tracks. Literally. In a double wide. My mom had no job. She wasn't even a parent. I raised myself. I babysat on and off for a known drug dealer. E could take my breath away and make me fuming mad all in the same breath. I loved this boy so much.
One of my most favorite memories of E was a summer when we were 11 or 12. He rode his bike over to see me and we went swimming. My family had this horrific above ground pool that was every shade of green. How we did not get sick is beyond me. We were swimming in the pool and everyone finally went inside. E flipped me out of a raft and we both ended up under the raft. He was staring into my eyes saying nothing. He had this smile that could make me lose my words and these blue eyes that pierced my soul. He gave me my first kiss. We promptly argued after that, of course, and he left. This was our relationship. A whirlwind romance over and over again through the years.
I think we were 15 when he moved back east to live with his dad. The phone bills.... oh the phone bills. My family has a picture of me talking on the phone to him. I know the exact conversation we were having when the picture was taken over 15 years ago. We quickly turned into pen pals. I was heart broken. Devastated. I thought my life was over when he moved to Chicago but I would never show him my weakness of course. Through years of being pen-pals we told each other our deepest secrets. We vowed to not be single when we were 30. He said he would marry me if we hit 30 and we were single. He sent me a letter when I was 17 saying he was coming back and he was wondering if I was in a relationship with anyone. I froze. I had been seeing Brett on and off for a few months but my heart ached for E. I never responded. I'm not sure why, I just didn't.
When he came back to my town, we once again entered this whirl wind romance that did not last very long. I got him a job at I-Hop with me but soon left to work at a locally owned restaurant. While I was visiting E at work, another employee that was interrelated to the drug house I babysat for attempted to force himself on me. I was terrified. I never went back there again. I cause a fight with E and I did not hear from him again for many many years.
For 13 years, I searched for E. I would do Google searches, my space, then Facebook. I could not find him or anyone in his family. They were gone. My heart ached for him. I was once engaged and that did not end so well. I stopped dating and focused on school. I had an excuse about why I couldn't date with each step of my life. I need to finish school. I need a graduate degree. I want to work on making someone of my self in my field. I want a good home. The excuses kept rolling out of me. Eventualy my heart ached enough to start dating. I joined a dating app. I was scared but missing something and life was going to fast. I just turned 30 and I didnt want to be alone. I dated a few guys that weren't right for me, found myself a stalker, but more importantly, found E.
Everything flooded back. My heart ached but was full. I couldn't breathe. We talked over text for quite sometime before we met up. He was different this time. Something was off. A little over a year ago, one of the client's I had been working with died of cancer. I was grief stricken. I attended her funeral and went to the park afterwords to drink a beer and just to do some thinking. He joined me that night. He brought me a sweater. He sat and talked to me for hours. This is where it started.
A whirl wind romance and before I knew what was happening, all of the love I have felt for this man over the years came back to me and I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone before. I didn't want to be away from him. I was spending 3-4 nights a week with him. Staying up till 2 or 3 in the morning and turning around and getting up at 5:30 for work. I was dancing in my kitchen and singing in my office. My heart was full. I don't think I have ever been this happy. Ever. What comes up must go down. I try not to think of life this way but its been pointed out so many times to me. I have horrible luck.
I took a day off at the end of April to hang out with my best friend and my god daughter. It was such a wonderful day. I was so full of love. I was to see E later in the day. I was getting my hair done and my god daughter was hanging out with the girls at the salon. I received a text message from E. He cheated on me. I couldn't breath. I wasn't sure if my heart was still beating. This cannot be real but it was. I somehow made it out of there, took my little one home, and cried the whole night and next morning. I was trying to put myself together for work and my phone rang. It was my daddy. There went the blood from my body again. He had a heart attack and needed surgery ASAP. I was trembling with fear, grief, and what ifs were swirling through my head. The only person I wanted more than anything in the world hurt me more than I have ever been hurt before.
The next few weeks were a blur. My daddy went in for emergency surgery. He died multiple times during surgery. They had to make a second attempt. He did better but was very sick. I scheduled a flight and got a pet sitter. I was going home for the first time in 15 years. I had talked to E here and there but I hurt too much. I quickly landed myself into a deep depression. I cried between sessions. I cried in between everything in life. I cried in the store. I cried at the park. I just cried and cried. The day came for me to go home. E offered to drive me to the neighboring city to catch my flight and I declined. I cried pretty much the whole 14 hours it took to get there. Through layovers and delays and crying, I was exhausted but I was home and a calm swept over me. I was home.
It took me an hour to get to my dad and I didn't leave his side the whole time expect for one night to get dinner with my sister and brother. During the time I was home, my pet sitter found a birthday card sitting on my desk with a sticky of when to send it out. It was a reminded for me. She thought she was being helpful and she sent it out. It was E's 30th birthday. It professed my love and adoration for him. It included a love letter from when we were kids. It was something I wasn't planning on sending but she sent it.
Stay tuned for part 2.
-K
The other person, E, became the love of my life. E was the first boy I held hands with, first boy I hugged, first boy that kissed me, first crush, first boyfriend, first everything. And I do mean everything. We dated multiple times; 10, 13, 15, and 17. We are polar opposties but they say opposites attract, right??
We use to hide at the park, while our moms played softball, and kiss beneath the bleachers. He would ride his bike across the town in the middle of summer to see me. We lived on the other side of the tracks per-say. His mom is somewhat wealthy, step father is decent, and lived in a great house. I lived near the tracks. Literally. In a double wide. My mom had no job. She wasn't even a parent. I raised myself. I babysat on and off for a known drug dealer. E could take my breath away and make me fuming mad all in the same breath. I loved this boy so much.
One of my most favorite memories of E was a summer when we were 11 or 12. He rode his bike over to see me and we went swimming. My family had this horrific above ground pool that was every shade of green. How we did not get sick is beyond me. We were swimming in the pool and everyone finally went inside. E flipped me out of a raft and we both ended up under the raft. He was staring into my eyes saying nothing. He had this smile that could make me lose my words and these blue eyes that pierced my soul. He gave me my first kiss. We promptly argued after that, of course, and he left. This was our relationship. A whirlwind romance over and over again through the years.
I think we were 15 when he moved back east to live with his dad. The phone bills.... oh the phone bills. My family has a picture of me talking on the phone to him. I know the exact conversation we were having when the picture was taken over 15 years ago. We quickly turned into pen pals. I was heart broken. Devastated. I thought my life was over when he moved to Chicago but I would never show him my weakness of course. Through years of being pen-pals we told each other our deepest secrets. We vowed to not be single when we were 30. He said he would marry me if we hit 30 and we were single. He sent me a letter when I was 17 saying he was coming back and he was wondering if I was in a relationship with anyone. I froze. I had been seeing Brett on and off for a few months but my heart ached for E. I never responded. I'm not sure why, I just didn't.
When he came back to my town, we once again entered this whirl wind romance that did not last very long. I got him a job at I-Hop with me but soon left to work at a locally owned restaurant. While I was visiting E at work, another employee that was interrelated to the drug house I babysat for attempted to force himself on me. I was terrified. I never went back there again. I cause a fight with E and I did not hear from him again for many many years.
For 13 years, I searched for E. I would do Google searches, my space, then Facebook. I could not find him or anyone in his family. They were gone. My heart ached for him. I was once engaged and that did not end so well. I stopped dating and focused on school. I had an excuse about why I couldn't date with each step of my life. I need to finish school. I need a graduate degree. I want to work on making someone of my self in my field. I want a good home. The excuses kept rolling out of me. Eventualy my heart ached enough to start dating. I joined a dating app. I was scared but missing something and life was going to fast. I just turned 30 and I didnt want to be alone. I dated a few guys that weren't right for me, found myself a stalker, but more importantly, found E.
Everything flooded back. My heart ached but was full. I couldn't breathe. We talked over text for quite sometime before we met up. He was different this time. Something was off. A little over a year ago, one of the client's I had been working with died of cancer. I was grief stricken. I attended her funeral and went to the park afterwords to drink a beer and just to do some thinking. He joined me that night. He brought me a sweater. He sat and talked to me for hours. This is where it started.
A whirl wind romance and before I knew what was happening, all of the love I have felt for this man over the years came back to me and I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone before. I didn't want to be away from him. I was spending 3-4 nights a week with him. Staying up till 2 or 3 in the morning and turning around and getting up at 5:30 for work. I was dancing in my kitchen and singing in my office. My heart was full. I don't think I have ever been this happy. Ever. What comes up must go down. I try not to think of life this way but its been pointed out so many times to me. I have horrible luck.
I took a day off at the end of April to hang out with my best friend and my god daughter. It was such a wonderful day. I was so full of love. I was to see E later in the day. I was getting my hair done and my god daughter was hanging out with the girls at the salon. I received a text message from E. He cheated on me. I couldn't breath. I wasn't sure if my heart was still beating. This cannot be real but it was. I somehow made it out of there, took my little one home, and cried the whole night and next morning. I was trying to put myself together for work and my phone rang. It was my daddy. There went the blood from my body again. He had a heart attack and needed surgery ASAP. I was trembling with fear, grief, and what ifs were swirling through my head. The only person I wanted more than anything in the world hurt me more than I have ever been hurt before.
The next few weeks were a blur. My daddy went in for emergency surgery. He died multiple times during surgery. They had to make a second attempt. He did better but was very sick. I scheduled a flight and got a pet sitter. I was going home for the first time in 15 years. I had talked to E here and there but I hurt too much. I quickly landed myself into a deep depression. I cried between sessions. I cried in between everything in life. I cried in the store. I cried at the park. I just cried and cried. The day came for me to go home. E offered to drive me to the neighboring city to catch my flight and I declined. I cried pretty much the whole 14 hours it took to get there. Through layovers and delays and crying, I was exhausted but I was home and a calm swept over me. I was home.
It took me an hour to get to my dad and I didn't leave his side the whole time expect for one night to get dinner with my sister and brother. During the time I was home, my pet sitter found a birthday card sitting on my desk with a sticky of when to send it out. It was a reminded for me. She thought she was being helpful and she sent it out. It was E's 30th birthday. It professed my love and adoration for him. It included a love letter from when we were kids. It was something I wasn't planning on sending but she sent it.
Stay tuned for part 2.
-K
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