A little bit of everything

Friend boy 

I'm at that point with J that is either going to make or break us. He is an incredible father. I love this about him. He and his ex share custody. When he is with his kids, he is with his kids. He doesn't make time for me at all. I feel very selfish saying that. It's to the point that he won't even return a call or text for 5-6 hours. HELLO INSECURITIES!!!! I always have my girls. Always. I always make time for him. I'm trying to stop. Monday, I rescheduled a dentist appointment for the baby so I could see him. Stupid. I shouldn't have done it. But I rescheduled it for Tuesday. He thanked me but he would never do anything like that. He can't even return a text... So when is enough, enough. I've decided that when i pick the girls up after school until the time they go to bed, my phone will be plugged in, in the other room. It will be good for me and the girls. My focus will be where it needs to be. J can wait. Just like I wait for him.  

I don't know how to date. I don't know how to be in a relationship with someone like him. But to add it all up and include the fact that I'm a single parent, it's all just a huge clusterf&@k. I should have waited until I moved. I've put a timeline on it. If life still looks like this at the end of the year, I'm going to cut my losses and bow out. My heart will absolutely be broken. At that point, it will be easier to go through a heart break than to continue to wonder why he doesn't want to be with me as much as I want to be with him. Do not get me wrong. I am fine with not seeing him daily. But I would like to see him more than every other week....  And I would like him to put some effort into this other than just talk. He's a good talker. That's for sure.... 

What is a mother? 

In the past few weeks, I have had lots of challenges. More than normal. I've had many times where I hurt, a lot, from my mother's actions. How could she have just walked away like that?? I am her only child that stuck by her side. And she walked away from me. Sometimes, when Bug calls me mom, I have a hard time hearing it because I have an image of my mother. I don't want to feel like that. How does this woman continue to find ways to hurt me. One of my sisters yelled at me not too long ago. About this actually. She said I'm allowing her to hurt me. I keep thinking about it. I don't know how to stop allowing her to hurt me. I'm hoping when I start my life without her, things will look different. I'm hoping... 

Little Man 

My friends J and T had their first placement who was little man. He was 5. I connected with him quickly and developed a strong bond with him. His uncle became placement in Ohio. A few weeks later, they sent him back with his sisters. He was back in a group home. I've requested to adopt him. His current adoptions worker is trying to push a family member to take all 3 children. The family only wants the little ones. So I'm waiting. Trying to be patient. But I sit and wait.... 

-K 

Dependency review

Today was the day I learned the truth about Chunks case. I wasn't nervous at all. I know she is not a permanent placement. I have felt it in my heart since day one. I was able to meet mom and give her a hug. She's doing amazing. I met the other foster moms, the legal team, and the ICWA rep, and we went inside. 

Moms doing amazing. We are so proud of her. She's still in rehab though. What is life going to look like when she has all the reality of the real world hitting her. Right now, everyone is bending over backwards for her (including me, I recently sent my only stroller to her so Chubk could have something to sit in). She is not doing anything but services. We're all providing food, placement, and a roof over her head. The visits were changed from twice a week to once a week. So now, on Sunday's, chunk is gone for 6 hours between transport and the visit. The judge ordered another visit. This is a lot for a baby... Last Sunday was the first extended visit and Chunk was disregulated. Her schedule and routine were thrown off. She had one bottle in that 6 hours. No breakfast and no lunch, even though I sent it. And no nap. She was so overtired that she wouldn't nap for me. As luck had it, right as I was getting into our bedtime routine, I received a crisis admission for work and had to get a sitter. When I got home at 930 she was wide awake playing. Bedtime for her is 6. I want mom to have visits. Please don't get me wrong. But let's take a look on how it affects the children. 

The facility mom is in allows the children to move in at some point. The discussion has already begun about Chunk moving in. I completely, 100% disagree with this. It's ine thing to prove sobriety in a treatment facility but what happens when you leave?? She has a 15 year use history with multiple failed treatment episodes. I want to see her succeed. I don't think this is setting her up for success. We're pushing her to fail. I've seen it, professionally, many times. But what do I know... 

The other discussion, moving the girls into a home together. Why would we disrupt both girls to move them to gather just to disrupt again to move them with mom... If little man doesn't work out, I'm going to ask to have her sister placed with me. 

My heart hurts... I know she's not a forever placement but it's becoming real that I won't have her forever. What's it going to be like not having a cuddle buddy in the middle of the night for feedings. :/ I'm going to experience my first foster heartbreak. 

-K

6 days 18 hours

We're in the final week. This permanency hearing will hopefully result in the acceptance of the change of the case plan to severance and adoption for Bug. From there, we will have court in one month. In that time, her mother will have to decide wether to relinquish her rights or go to trial. From the letter she wrote today, I'm sure we will be going to trial which will probably be another 3 months out. 

Today is Tuesday. Tuesday's are visit days. As y'all know, mom is not allowed to feed her. I got a call about Bug having diarrhea and a very sore bottom a few hours after visit. The first thing I did was smell the cup and check the bag. Sure enough, she was given something I didn't provide. Food and juice. She's had an upset belly most of the night. Just resting on the couch. How many times does the visit aide have to be told... How many times does the mother have to be told... This child should not have to go through this. 

Tomorrow is Chunks first dependency review. I have no idea what's going to happen. I get different stories from every member in the team and the attorney never bothered to come by. I did find out mom had her first two children severed and this is the 5th dependency for her. 2nd for Chunk. 

In the past few weeks, more and more developmental concerns are coming about. Verbally, she is very behind. She talks a little but not much at all. She never mimics and doesn't talk back when someone talks to her. She's now rocking. Rocking so hard that if I don't hold the bumbo, she will tip it over. She's banging her head in the ground or into people. I have to pick her up or change her position to get her to stop. Pain doesn't stop her. All of this because someone wanted to get high, buzzed, drunk, stoned... Ugh. 

So, we continue to move forward. My little family of three. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. 

-K 

Pneumonia

I've been sick for two weeks. I felt like I was on my death bed for the first week. No joke. High fevers. No sleep. Horrible cough. Short of breath. Plus two babies. Death bed. Turns out I have pneumonia. How in the heck did my body manage that??? So because I'm on a thousand antibiotics and steroids, I'm an emotional mess. Great timing because courts right around the corner. 13 days, 22 hours. Two more visits... 

Due to me being an emotional mess, I've spent too much money. Cried too much. And contemplated the point to dating. Seriously... What is the point of dating as a single mom. I never see him. It's either me or him that's busy. We talk all the time but I have friends. So what would be easier? Running through the course of a heartbreak (yup, I fell for him [smack forehead now]) and move on or continue to feel frustrated daily because the one guy that actually makes you happy isn't there. 

My friends were funny when I was dying. I got a lot of, "J's taking care of you, right?" Uh yeah... Right. Because I want this guy, whom I adore, bringing his babies into my germ infested house to take care of me. I actually had to beg for a friend to take my kid for a few hours. Beg... That's how sick I was. 

So still, here I am. An emotional mess. I need to run. I need a really hard run and an ass kicking workout. Wait... I can't breathe if I talk more than ten words at a time, can you imagine me trying to run a few miles. 

So I sit here and pout. I'm caught up on missing a week of work. I've actually somehow worked my way ahead. My house is clean. I'm short of breath. Emotional. Want my boyfriend and my kids and a run. Pouting... 

I took the girls to the pumpkin patch for the first time. It was my first along with theirs. Such a sweet experience! Comical as well. I decided to wear Chunk while finding two pumpkins with my toddler while I can't breathe. I think my friends just about had a heart attack. During this, I realized, I have never carved a pumpkin. Of course Google and Pinterest will help me, but how silly is that!!? I have never carved a pumpkin.... Which led me to think about holiday traditions. I'm getting ready to start my first holiday as a mom. I'm super excited to begin traditions but I don't know what. So many firsts for my little family. 

I'm hoping to hear more on little man tomorrow and than I will share. It will either be good or better. 

-K

Please stop telling my daughters they are pretty.

The societal views of women will forever be whatever mainstream media portrays. Currently, we see theKardashians, movie stars slathered in makeup, models too thin, even news anchors with their hair teased, makeup on perfectly, white teeth, and dressed like a star. I typically roll out of the house with my hair a mess, jeans, sandals, and t-shirt. Maybe I remembered mascara today. Probably not. Do I feel bad about my self? Yup. Do I wish I were prettier, skinnier, had more money for expensive clothing? Of course!!! Thank you society!!! 

I cannot go anywhere with my girls without hearing how cute they are. Please don't get me wrong. My girls are gorgeous!!! They also have so many other incredible things about them. Bug: loving, patient (at times), kind, sweet, caring, smart, athletic, the best big sister you will find, an animal lover, intuitive... I could go on for days. Chunk: happy, loving, snuggley, patient, kind, understanding, resilient, plucky... Again, I could go on for a while. I want my girls to hear good things about them. I want them raised knowing that what's inside is much more important than looks. I don't care what you look you, if you have a rotten soul, I'm walking away. 

Please, let's start acknowledging true compliments in our children. Don't get me wrong, I do tell my girls they are pretty, cute, and beautiful and of course many other adjectives but what they hear most from me is soul and character descriptive words. 

My heart broke when my daughter asked for makeup, then proclaimed "i pretty now mamma?" This was the last time she has seen me put makeup on. After a few months of strength building, my two year old says "I nice mamma." Or she will squeal "I smart," when she's accomplished a challenge. 

Let's change our way of thinking, doing, and communicating to build a stronger future. Just a thought, don't tell me or my girls were pretty, find another word. 

-K 

20 days 20 hours

In 20 days and 20 hours we will have our final permanency hearing. At least this is what I'm told. 

A week from Friday, bio was arrested outside her daycare for selling drugs. Let me set this up for you. I live far one side of the desert and she lives central. No busses come close to my area. The daycare is in the middle of a neighborhood and near a school. She and the offender, were outside her daycare with suspicion of selling drugs. She shouldn't know which daycare she goes to but she might. Why was she there? Coincidence? Do I disrupt her learning environment she just became comfortable in? Ugh.... Visits resumed as normal though... Well, we all got sick so today she saw her for the first time in two weeks. Man it's been a trip today... 

Last week was a tough week for us. Spreading germs and lots of interesting stuff going on. It's amazing how many friends say they will help if you need it but when you really need it, no one is around. Single parenting with the flu is no joke. Last Thursday, I had both girls in urgent care with fevers and pink eye. The doctor couldn't squeeze us in so off we went. That was a all afternoon adventure. I sat in the pharmacy with two screaming kids for another hour just to be told it would take an additional hour. I went home to find a main water line had burst. Fed the girls while the pipe was being fixed and back to the pharmacy. I put Bug in one of those carts with the ar attached to keep her busy. Chunk was sitting up front with her crusty eye. (Don't worry moms, I washed the cart down when I got them out.) Well, guess who decided this would be a great time to poop, then dig, paint, and pick her nose with the hand she dug with??? It was around 8pm by this time. I was exhausted and had a rough day. I needed some info on the home I'm renting from my god mother. I called her and she didn't answer. So I called my mother was was living with her. She changed her number. And moved. To Ohio. Never said a word to me. 

I know. I know. But it hurt. It hurt a lot. I told a friend and her response was wow. I told another and she was supportive but I think I needed J in that moment but I still haven't told him about her. The next morning my poor dad got an ear full and then got me bawling my eyes out. He's the only one that knows how hurtful she can be but even he never expected this.  I was the only one of her kids that stood by her side for so long. Now she's on to a new family. 

So how do I tell J about her? How do you even start the conversation? So, sit. Let's chat about my mom who goes out of her way to hurt her children. Let's talk about her psych issues. Let's talk about my nightmares and flashbacks. Let's talk about the abuse and neglect.... I don't even want to go here. 

Last week I was only able to work one full day. I haven't worked since Thursday around noon. I ended up with kid germs and got the smack down. I'm still not cleared to see patients but I can go back and do paperwork. I've watched so much tv, I'm thinking about cancelling my cable. I am craving a run and a hard workout. 

Until next time. 

Get the flue shot! Trust me on this one. It's no fun!! 

-K