How does she know???

I recently sat down for lunch with an old friend. For the past 20 plus years, I have attached onto older women I have looked up to as a motherly figure. She was one of them but she didn't truly know who I was. Ive been coming clean with people. You see, for so many years I led the life of an all American young lady. People believed I am whole and pure. They believed I came from a loving and healthy home with a great parent raising me. Dispelling this myth has been hard and I have received some hurtful statements through it but I have been pushing forward. Ive had people tell my story for me and it makes me incredibly angry. I cant say why. Maybe because its my story to tell or because, some people aren't ready to hear it. Telling one friend at a time, who I am and where I come from. My story.

I believe my mother is very mentally ill. She does not believe it and she will never change. One of her diagnosis I think she has is borderline personality disorder. I have been trained in diagnosing when no psychiatrist is involved and this is what I would diagnose her. I will not work with people with Borderline personality D/O. In fact, I will run the other way.

When I sat down with my friend and told my story. She told me hers. She told me more than I was ready to share with her but our stories are the same. How in the world did she peg me??? The difference is, she lived with someone like my mother for many years and dealt with the emotional and psychological trauma that comes along with it. She is a survivor and has been able to move past it.

I am a true believer in things happen for a reason. I haven't spent quality time with this wonderful person in many years until last Saturday. I needed to hear her story and see her survive. I was at the point, I wasn't sure if I was going to ever break away from the psychological damage that has been done. There is hope and I have found it. I need to continue to move forward and continue to change.

-K

Chunk

I have had Chunk for about a month now.  She came to me on meth. She was 3 months old. Oh my goodness, that first weekend was really rough on all of us. Not only did she have meth in her, she had open bleeding sores on her bottom. It made the urgent care doctor cry. When she wasn't screaming, she had no facial expressions. Prenatally, she was exposed to benzos, meth, cocaine, alcohol, and marijuana. This was the second dependency for her for the 4th for the other children. 

The next two weeks were better but still a challenge. Her mom wouldn't change her during visit or would give her the wrong formula. She would come back with he sores reopened and a bellyache. She would also come back with a flat affect. I would have to fight to keep her awake. 

She's doing amazing now. I found out today she will be long term. She's native but the tribe has no placement appropriate for her. Developmentally, se has drastically caught up. She can hold her head up now, roll to the side, smile, babble, laugh, and she rarely cries. She recognizes me now so when I go pick her up after work, she is all smiles. 

I'm so so so proud of her mom. She entered detox on Friday and will begin a residential rehabilitation program after detox. I foster because I believe people can change. I'm excited to see her work so hard right off the bat. 

I couldn't imagine my life without Chunk at this point. I love every second of having her as does Bug. I even love our middle of the night feedings. She's so cute!!! She refuses to open her eyes. She will winter until I give her a bottle and then sleep eats. She loves having her chunky cheeks played with. If you giggle her chin she will laugh. I know she will return home. And it's going to hurt. But this time j have with her has been amazing!!! 

What an incredible journey this has been so far!! 

-K 

Makes me think.

I remember the day this picture was taken. I don't have many memories as a child and most are bad. J and K are on either side of me. My big toe poking out always makes me laugh. The carpet. Oh goodness, the carpet. You can see the littlest part of T and that's when it comes flooding back.

K's face tells a story. It wasn't a good afternoon. We didn't keep the house clean enough and T was held responsible. Shortly before this picture,  I was holding onto her leg. Hugging her as tight as I could. I was afraid to look at her face. I knew though. She had sunglasses on. I knew. K was the only one who didn't pretend to be happy. J was always happy. Always trying to make light of what was happening. Always trying to distract. I was the baby. I hid. A lot. 

When I went home last month, my dad and I talked for a long time. We talked about the past. The day I was taken. The years after. I told my story and he told his. We both cried. It was so hard to see my dad cry. Something he told me hurt pretty bad. It hurt the little girl in me and then I hurt for my sisters. 

Going home has made me realize who family is. I spent an afternoon at K's house with her family. I have never met them before. She has two little girls and a husband. It was a very uncomfortable situation. She wasn't kind to me or Bug. I was out of place and I wanted to go home to my dads. I did it for my dad though. It helped me realize, that part of my life is over and I can move forward. Biologically, T and K are my sisters. Realistically, we are strangers. Circumstances, beyond our control, have driven us apart. We are all too hurt and damaged to move forward as a family. We are surviving how we know best. Protect our children and our hearts because life can be cruel. 

My dad told me, the day I was taken, my sisters were babysitting me. T had to go to run out so K and J were suppose to watch me. She came up the drive and they ran into the woods and hid. They left me in the house because I was too loud. I don't even remember the last time. It's all a blur. Hearing this from my dad hurt that little girl in me. But hearing this made me understand why they have pushed me so far away for so long. They have guilt in them. I need to eventually say I forgive them. And I do. I hold no grudges. I am happy with who I am and where I am in life. I have always wanted to show them who I am. I was hoping they would be proud of me. Even as an adult I hoped for this. But this last trip home made me realize that two of my sisters are not my sisters. I can move forward. It was closure for me. 

I have chosen to move. I need a fresh start and I need my family. I want my dad to have an opportunity to be a grandfather. I want Bug to have a grandparent and an uncle. She attached quickly to both of them. It looks like adoption is in our near future. Her mom is messing up pretty bad. Once the adoption is finalized and we figure out what Chunks plan is, we will move. 

I need this. I need this so bad. 

-K 

When you think you have life figured out.

Just when I thought I had my life all figured out, it got turned upside down. Not in a bad way I suppose but frustrating. 

Since my dad's heart attack, I planned on moving home. My dad held me off since he would be moving to Tennessee. He found a house and he and my brother are moving soon. When I went home in July, watching my dad and brother with bug filled my heart. I want her to have a grandparent and uncle in her life. I cannot give her either in tucson. So my decision was to wait it out here with bug. If I adopt, we will move. If she reunifies, I will need my family and I will move. Either way, the move was imminent. 

After much harassing from friends and family, I decided to start to date again. I needed to allow my heart the opportunity to heal from E. I joined a dating site. I shot down every single guy that messaged me. I found reasons why they wouldn't work. I just wasn't into it. A profile caught my eye and he had a fun cannonball picture. Who doesn't love a good cannon ball??? I messaged him and we have since been talking all day everyday and seeing each other sometimes twice a day. 

He is wonderful. He is kind and loving. He is a great father. He showers me with compliments and is constantly giving me affection and praise. This is the man I have waited my whole life for. And I'm talking myself out of it. I'm constantly fighting falling for him. I'm fighting his kind words. I'm fighting his loving gestures. My brain is trying to figure out a way out of this. I don't want to hurt him. I need to move. I need to be with family. I have no one here but my friends. And let's be honest. I adore my friends but holidays and other events, you want family. You don't want to be hanging out with someone else's family. When I am with him, I am so happy. So so happy. When I'm not, I'm like a wild horse backed in a corner. I need to find a way out. 

I'm a hospice social worker now. This week has been tough. Tonight my work phone rang as I was thinking of my dad, the move, and my friend boy. I answered it only because I was waiting for this call. I talked to a man bawling his eyes out for 30+ minutes. I had to explain his only parent is dying and is ready to let go. Is this a sign? Is this a push to move? The call has taken the life out of me tonight. It was rough. I cried after I hung up with him. Man, I'm starting to sound like a cry baby.... 

What in the world did I get myself into.  I refuse to choose. My dad will always win. My friends keep saying to relax and just enjoy day by day. But this guy is in it for the long haul. He's not going anywhere and I don't want to hurt him and I do not want my children to meet him just for me to take him away. The same for his babies. I don't want them getting hurt either. Perhaps I'm overthinking this but the reality of the situation is if I am planning on moving, the prep should begin now. 

Life....

-K

Court

Here we go again. I'm sitting outside a building with tears streaming down my face because it's just a little too hard right now. 

The judge was pissed. More than pissed. The judge was cursing and yelling in court Monday. A person that has been told is not allowed Bug at all was near her last week and the week before. I told the judge. That same person was in the waiting area of the court house. I told the judge this too. I spoke of the immediate regression of behaviors. The sexualized stuff. The self harming. The verbal and physical aggression. The frequent outbursts. Every single maladaptive behavior we had under control were now ten times worse. The judge flipped. She yelled at mom. She yelled at Dcs. She said if severance were asked she would have granted it. Instead, she granted the change to a concurrent plan. 90 more days for this child to be put through hell. 

Initially, I was supporting the mom the best I could. Through journal entries and positive encouragement. After I found out that man was near Bug, I stopped. My stomach hurts. Literally hurts. She has made her choice. The judge put a restraining order on him and told her he has to go. She never flinched. Never cried. Never emotionally responded. In fact, she smirked at one point. My professionalism is quickly disappearing and I don't have my licensing worker to lean on. I have a stand in... 

So here I sit. The parent child relationship therapy has begun with Bug. I walked her in and she saw mom. She dug her fingernails into my chest and started crying. Then she took her from me when her name was called by the therapist. She screamed and cried. I blew her a kiss and quickly walked out. Two more times. We have to do this two more times. My heart is absolutely broken. So I sit here and cry. Not because I'm weak but because I have been far too strong for far too long. 

-K 

Permanency Hearing

The day is here. I'm sitting in the parking lot. Court starts in 20 minutes. The dcs cm said everyone wants to change the case plan to severance and adoption. He requested a concurrent plan. The what ifs are circling my head. And that list of what ifs is huge. I've worked this field long enough to know what a hearing can do. 

I'm so torn. I want her mom to have a fair opportunity to gain custody of bug. I feel with her mental illness and substance use she hadn't been given a fighting chance. She hasn't been given the tools. She made a pretty poor choice last week that resulted in a significant regression in behaviors with bug. This decision has helped me somewhat think, she just can't do it. She is self sabotaging. 

In my morning staffing with my supervisor I let her know I would be unavailable this afternoon. We briefed the case. She worked in the field too. She set me straight. She knows me well enough to know I walk in others shoes so for me to put my own needs in front of others, it requires Devine intervention. 

The chaplains led me in prayer. Not prayer for favorable outcomes for me but for the judge to make the right decision. I could never do her job. 

But I still sit here with tears streaming down my face. Because the what ifs are far too great. Please send a little prayer our way. 

K-

Dating

I do have placement updates to tell you. I had a 6 month old precious baby for less than a week and now a 3 month old angel. I am in love. My heart will be broken. More on that later. Oh and trip updates. Yikes, I'm behind.

I honestly need suggestions, advice, guidance, whatever it may be. I have decided to date. I am single (This made me giggle when I proof read it. Hopefully I'm single and dating). Very little support. Very few people I trust with the girls. And I'm dating. HOW DOES THIS WORK????

I don't want to leave them but I want to spend time with him. I'm not ready for them to meet or for him to come over after bedtime especially since neither of them sleep through the night.

I met a very very nice guy. This is very new to me. I have never been with a nice guy before. He is kind, loving, showers me with attention and compliments, and is so thoughtful. He remembers things I like and goes out of his way to make me happy. I have always dated the polar opposite. Aggressive, violent, demeaning, insecure, adolescent temper, you name it, that was my man. Its taken me a little while to get use to him but now that I have, I am totally falling for him. When I do fall, I fall hard. I'm trying really hard not to.

I want to see him. Often. But how do I do this? What is the norm? Ugh help....

K-