Dont tell me what to do.

No. I will not eat that chocolate next. 

I raised myself. For the first ten years of my life, I had a loving father and abusive mother. When I was ten, I was kidnapped. From there on, I raised myself. She was always sleeping, at the casino, or on vacation. I was repeatedly having parties, sneaking out, entering adult relationships before my time, and always alone. I raised myself. No one told me what to do. Especially an elder. I learned to depend on myself, never ask for help, and if I couldn't do it, it couldn't be done. I'm am way too independent and stubborn as they come.

Due to the above, I really struggle with people telling me what to do and also trying to be a parent to me. Let me explain a few days ago. Sunday, as sick as I was, I received a call from Gramps. Gramps is not my grandfather. Hes a childhood friends grandfather who took me under his wing when I came out here. The trainer was coming to pick up my rescue horse and was going to start the training process. I normally do all the training myself but with a little one at home, I found it safer for myself to send her off. The farrier (the guys who does the horse pedicures for my non horsey friends) let Gramps know he was concerned and thought I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Ladies and gentlemen, here was the first smack in my face! You don't know me well enough to know I have trained 6 horses from the ground up. 5 of those horses were wild. 3 of them were PMU horses just like the mare I just sent off. I know well enough what I am getting myself into. I am fully aware. Why dont you call me and talk to ME about it rather than involving an 80 year old man who does nothing but worry about his grandkids.

Lets be honest. I'm probably going to throw the box away with that chocolate in it!

I fully respect Gramps. I adore him. I at and listened as he expressed concern and told him thank you and I love him. That's what I was supposed to do. Fast forward a few days.The trainer and farrier and two other cowboys arrived to take my mare to the trainers home. Shes wild but I can rub her all over. Only I can, but its a start. I let them know they could back the trailer up and she wouldn't give them a problem loading. They didn't listen. They chose an elaborate plan of scaring her into the trailer. Boy were they shocked when I nickered to her and she hopped into the trailer. While they were chasing her, before I called her up, the stud colt decided to jump the 6 foot fence. I went after him and ALL the cowboys decided to SAVE the day because I cannot handle myself.

They more or less chased him around the desert for 20 minutes before I had enough and snapped a touch. I yelled at them to get back to the house, knelt down and the little stud came up to me. He was scared. His mamma was being loaded onto a trailer. 4 cowboys were chasing him around. And he didn't know where he was. He was a scared little guy.

The farrier chose to stay and trim him up. I told him I wasn't sure if he would be calmed down. I went around the corner and came back to the guys immediately stop talking. I was annoyed. Very annoyed. Don't make it obvious now. I told them good luck, rushed into the house and got ready for court. Baby M had court and later in the day I was picking up respite number two. On my way out, I checked one more time. Diesel appeared calm and appeared to be doing well overall.

Beware! Vicious biting horse!

Cut to today. Gramps called. Again. Apparently Diesel was not fine. Apparently he tried biting the guys. This horse has NEVER bitten, tried to bite or even nibble on me. He has never kicked or turned his rear to me. The only naughty thing he does is jump. He thinks he can fly over anything and he does. So now I am being told what to do again. Diesel has dropped. You know. His boys. He's not a big boy yet. I have chose to wait to cut him until he drops. I'm being told I need to work with him daily and cut him ASAP. Once again, this horse has never bitten. Review the morning he just had. That's enough to make anything act a fool. Let a lone a little yearling. If he was doing this, they should have read his cues and let him be. And why wasn't I called and told. Why was Gramps yet again called. I should have been told first that this was going on.

Here's what it comes down to. Being told what to do and someone expressing concern for me. I am not use to it and I don't like it. I need to learn to accept it.

On a side note. Diesel and I spent an hour in the round pen tonight. Not one kick. not one bite. Not one anything. He was just being a typical lover boy.

He just loves his mamma.

More later on court and Little respite O.

-K

Happy Mother's Day??

I was never excited about Mother's Day to begin with. After all, I don't fully consider myself a mother yet. I'm not sure why, it just hasn't sunk in yet. Plus, my own mother is terrible. I typically see her once a year on mother's day, well she chose to make plans, so I have not seen her.

A few days ago I woke up with a scratchy throat and attempted to talk myself out of a run. I ended up getting up and running but it was a hard two miles. Later in the day I started running down. My throat hurt, my face hurt, my body hurt, everything hurt, then my eye started hurting. I went and picked up Bug from school and came home. I crashed as soon as I could. I tried so hard to sleep but instead I tossed and turned the whole night. When i did fall asleep, I woke up with my eye swollen shut, a fever, a horrible headache, and body aches from heck. I took Buggy into preschool and headed to urgent care. The white splotches in my throat were a tell tale sign of what was going on. Three hours later with three people in urgent care I was diagnosed. Strep throat, pink eye, a virus, and allergies. Weeee!!!!! It took two hours to get the medications. Lets just say when you tell a pharmacist you are waiting in the parking lot, they do not feel the need to tell you they are out of your meds until you go back in an hour later.

Not.a.happy.camper. I got home and slept the rest of the day until it was time to get Bug from daycare. She saw her mom. For the first time in two weeks. Two week of missed visits. She saw her mom. Enough said. You know how our evening went. Because I am quitting my therapy job, I really cannot be missing work. I made it in on Saturday and worked a full 9 hours. I was feeling a little better but just tired. I really had no business going in but whose going to stop me.

I woke up sicker then before and more worn down then before today. I am tired and I hurt and I dont feel so good. My heard hurts and I'm dizzy and so congested. I just want to sleep. Buggy started off the day pretty good. We had a few errands to run. I bought a treadmill. No more excuses. We bought a tree to plant (starting a mothers day tradition), and we had to go to the grocery store said my bare fridge. She did really good until the grocery store. She had quite a few breakdowns. Every single little thing was making her cry. By the end of our trip, I was losing my patience. We quickly hurried out of there and got home where she continued to lose it every few minutes. I got some lunch in her and put her down for a nap. I decided I was going to take some NyQuil and nap too. Big mistake!!! She ALWAYSSSS sleeps for at least two hours. I just needed a nap. I dropped something right after she fell asleep. Right after I swallowed the NyQuil, I dropped a pan and woke her up. Game on ladies and gentlemen.

She has been an absolute mess the rest of the day. A few times every hour, sitting down wherever we were with whatever we were doing and losing it. She also started something new. Spitting. She now spits when shes mad. Yuckie. Ive tried everything. She doesnt like life today. She could be getting sick. No fever and also, she never acts like this when she is sick. I have checked her throat just in case, no white pockets. Shes just having a rough day. Come 530, her little eyes were droopy. I slid her into the bath. Scrubbed and fluffed her up and tucked her into bed. Come 615, she was bouncing up and down and yelling "done."

I tried laying her back down a few times but she has better ideas.

Yup. Thats her. No clothes. I have no clue where she threw her PJs. Yup. That's me. No make-up, hair a mess, and in my undershirt. Little dog is a little man I'm sitting. Such is my life.

The reason I sat down to write this entry is because I feel like a total failure today. I feel like the worst mom ever. I have had little patience. I have snapped at her once or twice today. It's mother's day. Its suppose to be a great day, right? I'm supposed to get pampered, right? I'm miserable. I'm grumpy. I have a grumpy baby bouncing on me. I want to go to sleep. But I want to be a good mom. I do not want to repeat the cycle. Perhaps I have set expectations way too high for myself. Perhaps I have done the best I could have done today under the circumstances and we all just need rest.

Perhaps this will be me tomorrow.

Happy Mother's Day to all of those moms who no matter what dot he best they can do in the moment.
-K

Reduced to tears in Olive Garden

Today was one of those days. I woke up feeling meh. Got my little buggy ready for school and started to head out the door. I forgot I needed to make her lunch for her visit and pack her visit bag. We ran back inside, had a little dance party, and completed our morning routine. She was in such a great mood. I mean wonderful mood! She was using her manners, squealing with delight, and sharing her hugs and kisses. And then it happened.

I picked up my keys, asked her to grab her sippie and I reached for the visit bag. Her eyes welled with tears. Her lip quivered. And she sat down on the ground and cried. Cried big huge crocodile tears. Screamed "No go mamma" over and over again. I held her in my lap and rocked her. I was able to get the tears under control and give her extra loves. We headed out the door. My heart a little heavier. I took her to school and talked with her teacher about this morning. The second I said visit, she broke down again. We were able to calm her down and get her playing with her little boyfriend.

I headed off and went for a morning run, and got ready for my work day. 3 days a week I try to get a run in to help clear my head. Before baby M I was running sometimes twice a day. It helps me relax and clear my thoughts. The run was hard. The morning kept repeating with each turn. Later in the day I met with a friend and her precious little one for lunch at our local hang out, Olive Garden. We were just about down when I received a message from the visit aide. Bio mom didn't show up again. This was the second time in a week she didn't show. Bug cried and cried all the way there and back I read. And I lost it. I mean big crocodile tears streaming down my face. Not the ugly cry though thank goodness. My heart ached so bad. I sat there and held this precious newborn and cried. During the busiest time of the day, I cried. I don't share my emotions often. In fact, I do my best to just appear happy.

I needed that cry. Thankfully I was with a friend who got it better than any one of my friends would. She knew what to say or not to say and she listened. I didn't know I would love baby M this much. I had no idea I would hurt so bad when she hurt. Sometimes, we all just need to cry.

-K