10 things I was wrong about.

 

Going into foster care, I knew there would be some things I would learn along the way. I thought I knew everything about everything. I was a little cocky going into this. You see, I am a child and family therapist for a nonprofit in my town. I am the head clinician for the Department of Child Safety team. I have spent the past four years working directly with foster children. I thought I knew what to expect as a foster parent.  I was wrong of course and I am proud to admit it. 

 

1)      The amount of love I have for this child. 

I had no idea I would fall fiercely in love with this child as if she were my own. I figured I would form an attachment and bond with her but I had no idea it would be to the level it is. I adore her. I love every single piece of this child. I watch her sleep and sometimes just watch her breathe. I love every naughty thing she does. I cannot imagine being without her, although one day she might go home. I love hearing her say “mommy” and attempting an I love you. I love love love her hugs. My heart melts into a puddle when she gives me hugs. I feel euphoric when she crawls in my lap for cuddles. I love this child. I did not expect to love this much and this hard.

2)      I actually have kind feelings for the bio mom. 

 

The first few days I had baby M, I thought nonstop about her mamma. Was she okay? Was she crying? Is she eating? Is she able to sleep? I wonder how she’s holding up. These thoughts did not stop and have not stopped.  I’m a compassionate and empathetic person but I have been working this field for so long that my feelings towards the bio parents, professionally, have been getting cynical. I never expected to actually feel for her mom. I am so used to feeling angry at the parents. I still feel for her mom. Although, my feelings turn towards frustration at times, she is still a human being and her precious child was taken from her. I still feel for her. I did not expect to feel for biological parents. 

 

3)      The love for my animals grew. 

 

That may sound silly for some people. Animals have been my saving grace. Without them, I’m not sure where I will be. A single wild rescue horse is responsible for saving my life. That’s a story for later. I had four dogs at home, now I have three with the recent loss of Maggie. I expected to feel a little like my friends and think they were in the way or get frustrated with them.  Let’s face it, I have two golden retrievers and they WILL NEVER GROW UP! They still act like crazy pups and they are 6 and 7. I love watching them interact with baby M. I love seeing her dress them up, steal each other’s toys, snuggle, and I even love when they kiss her all over and she is squealing with delight. I love watching her stroke the muzzle of my horses, climb onto their backs, and hold their heads. I love seeing her exchange “meows” with my one eyed cat and pull the tail of my other kitty and get kitten kisses in exchange. I love seeing my fish swarm the tank glass when she comes near. I even love that the chickens know she will probably drop and break an egg so they stick close to her in the evenings.  I did not expect to adore my animals more than I did. 

 

4)      I love the mess. 

 

I always have kept a clean home. My mom was a hoarder so when I got my own home, I always kept it spotless. I would apologize for the mess if there was a dog toy lying on the ground. After baby M goes to bed at night, I will often sit on a chair in the dining area and smile, admiring the amazing tornado that went through my home. I love seeing her dolls in the dog bed covered with a blankie, her teddies strewn from one end to the next, her cars and tractors throughout the kitchen, and her sippie cups tucked in hidden places. I never expected to enjoy the mess., let alone love it. I did not expect to have a messy home fill my heart. 

 

5)      I love laundry. 

 

If my friends were reading this, they would die laughing. I HATE LAUNDRY!!! I have enough clothes to last a month. Not because I love shopping but solely because that is how much I hate laundry.  Crazy huh! Before I got baby M, I started nesting. I washed all the donated clothes and bedding and sorted. I loved folding and sorting. I knew this would pass. I was wrong. Again. I love doing her laundry and keeping her clothes organized. I love hanging up her little dresses and shirts. I love sorting her drawers. I did not expect to grow a love for laundry. 

Let’s get down to the real nitty gritty stuff. 

6)      To feel her emotions as if they were my own. 

 

I had no idea that I would so strongly connect with her, that her emotions would become my own. When she is sad, I’m sad. When she is happy, I am over the moon with joy. When she is loving, I melt into a puddle, again. I’m a puddly person I guess. I had no idea that the first time she would get emotionally hurt, I would cry with her. This week the visit aide picked her up for a visit from my office and she cried being taken from me. I walked back up the stairs to my class with tears streaming down my face. I had no idea to feel so deeply for a tiny human. 

 

7)      The number of blessings just grew. 

 

I have a ridiculous amount of “bad” luck. People point it out to me all the time. I often hear “I don’t know how you’re still standing.” I have learned to count my blessings to get me through life. I had no idea that counting blessings would turn from an ability to keep my head up to something that is flooding out of my heart. Now, I count my blessings because I am so incredibly happy. Before, it was a coping skill. I never expected counting my blessings to be a flood of joy from my heart. 

 

8)      Little comments hurt. 

 

I was fully prepared to receive nasty remarks on through this journey in life. I had already received quite a few. I thought I could handle them and I could brush them off as easily as they were spoken. I was wrong. I was so wrong. It hurts so much to hear comments such as “You’re not a real mom,” “This is just a phasing phase for you,” “Don’t let her touch my children. You don’t know where she’s come from.” Those are a few of the PG comments I have heard. I have heard many more but each hurts as much as the next. I never expected to receive and be hurt by hateful comments. 

 

9)      I lost friends and gained unexpected friends. 

 

During training, our training told a story about his wife cleaning her “Friend closet” out and getting rid of the friends that required a lot of attention. I knew what he meant and always thought, I am a friend for life. Through thick and thin, I am here for my friends. I never stopped being here for my friends but they stopped reaching out to me. I could no longer drop everything and talk for an hour by text or phone because they had a bad day. I could no longer rush to their children’s events as often as I had before. At 6 pm, I better be home getting my little one a bath, cuddles, story time, and in bed. I am no longer out eating with them. I no longer have the time during work hours to grab lunch because I stopped taking my left over work home. Certain friends stopped calling and coming around. Other friends changed from “hi” here and there to amazing supports. I never expected to clean out my “friend closet.” 

 

10)   I never expected for this to fill my heart.

 

I knew I would find joy in parenting. It was quite obvious to everyone around me that parenting was suited for me. I adore children and I’m immature enough to have a blast with parenting. Through life, I have always tried to fill the void in my heart by pouring myself into relationships, giving 110% into my career and helping others, giving back and caring for each and every person and thing I could.  My heart has never truly been full. Baby M filled every single inch of my body with happiness and love. My heart is flooding with joy. My face is glowing all the time. I am happily growing smile wrinkles. My heart is full. 

 

This has been an incredible journey and is has only just begun. Fostering is not a passing phase in life for me. It’s a way of life. It’s my calling. God has amazing plans for me. I am truly blessed. 

-K

Shortly after writing this, I came across this article. Something's are meant to be. 

http://theprayingwoman.com/2015/03/06/when-god-makes-you-wait/

Bored

Is it silly that I feel lost. That I felt lost and empty all day? Baby M went back to preschool today. I wish I could have kept her with me all day. In all reality, teaching college kids and toddlers just don't mix. My arms ached. My heart ached. It was too quiet. I tried filling the silence with phone calls, music. I tried filling the boredom with grading papers and responding to emails. I just wanted my baby back in my arms.

Class ended early and I rushed to get baby M. I teach on the west side of town and live northwest. Its not too bad of a drive but I couldnt get there soon enough. I scooped my precious little baby M and kissed her all over. She had a great day but looked so tired. She wined and cried the 5 minutes home. Had a fit while I cooked. Shoveled food in her mouth during dinner while nodding off. She was in bed again by 6.

I'm bored.

In other news. I have joined an online support forum on facebook. So far so good. I like the people and I like that there is a number of foster parents that are experienced.  Something challenging for me professionally and personally was posted today.

This is sad. This is a sad heartbreaking post. Who asks this question about a foster child. Have you ever stepped back to reflect and attempt to see through another persons eyes. Take a walk in their shoes? Take a second to think what it must be like to be them? For heavens sake. This poor child was taken from the only family they knew, put in group care for 2 and a half months, then moved again with another set of strangers. And quite possibly lost belongings, missed visits, and changed schools. I'm really trying hard not to judge, but seriously, have some compassion for these children!

K

Missed Visit

Nothing like the fear of feeding the first meal.

Last Friday baby M came home from visit like she typically does. Throwing up, pooping her brains out, and fits from somewhere 2 year old doesn't belong. She recovered by the next morning and went to the babysitters as I went to work. She ate all day just fine but pooped her brains out throughout the day. We went to dinner with friends and she projectile vomited all over me the second I put my fork into that mouth watering prime rib I had been craving the entire day. Done. I'm done. Steak was done. I was done. Time to go. She laughed and giggled as I put her in the bath to clean her up. Again pretended to throw up to get a reaction from me. I cried. How silly is that! I didn't get breakfast because I was running late. I count on at least one appointment to cancel or no show so I can eat lunch. Everyone showed up. It was payday the day before which means steak weekend. Listen folks. I like food. I love food. I was raised on a farm. Steak and potatoes are a way of life. I need them to survive. Seriously, I do! After bedtime. I settled in the couch and drank a beer and cried. Sunday went the same, throwing up and poop. Again, Monday, the same. Today, she is finally back to normal.

Merle likes to take baths with baby M. Is this not normal?

I was chatting with a friend about my frustration and she said something that struck me. Could it possibly be that bio mom is putting something in her food? Lets go back to last week. I cancelled a visit. baby M was up half the night with night terrors and the other half coughing and sneezing. Poor girl has horrible allergies. I made the decision to keep her home and let her rest. Mom called everyone and their mother insisting Baby M was in the hospital. I got so many phone calls... She warranted some form of attention. I didn't get it. The pieces are starting to fit now.
Anyways, I decided to keep baby M home one more day to make sure she was good before sending her back to preschool. She came to work with me today. Yes, I took a two year old to work. My job as a professor. I took her. A two year old. Her visit falls kindly during a time I teach one of my classes. I packed lunch for baby M because she is/was on the BRAT diet. The visit aide picked her up from my war torn office (the picture captures the moment after i picked about a hundred papers off the floor) and off they went after I begged her to not allow mom to feed her. My washer and dryer need a break.

"Done"

About 30 minutes passed and I got a text that mom no showed and they were headed back. Crap... In the middle of class. Well my dear social work students. Today is the day you learn what happens on the other end of things. Foster parenting isn't all roses and butterflies. Its full of tantrums and poop. She quickly oriented my students into post visit melt down. It was a great learning opportunity for them and a moment for me to learn from as well. I do not always have control over every situation, especially days we have visits. 

How could this cute little monster be any trouble at all!

I had this all planned out! One of my bestest friends ever was going to come and get bug and hang out while I taught my last class. They would have fun. I would be breathing easy. Everyone would be happy. And we would see a rainbow! Guess who didn't come and guess who still tried to work. 

She never ever gets to watch TV. I was desperate you see.

Ladies and gentlemen. I have a toddler. I have a toddler who is a foster kiddo. I have a toddler that needed a nap. My poor students.... Lesson learned folks. Wait, I don't know the lesson yet. I told my friend I need to get married solely for the purpose that one of us could stay home with bug when shes sick. Arranged marriage? Yes please.... This MUST be the lesson!!
College is tiring stuff. Baby M was falling asleep eating dinner at 5. By 6 she was sound asleep. And now, I'm bored.  Don't laugh. I have plenty to do. Remember, I have a toddler and golden retrievers. You should see my house. I want to play though. Like go to the park, swing, stomp in puddles, snuggle.

Until later,

K

Respite!!!!!

A few weeks ago, I made the decision to open my second bed to another foster child. Not right away, but later this summer. I'm just getting ready to transition into a much better job for me and my little one. I will be able to work one job and much less hours for more than what I make working two jobs. I'm so incredibly blessed this opportunity has come my way.

In talking with my licensing worker, who has encouraged me to taken a second placement from day one, we decided it would be a good idea to do respite. This past weekend, I picked up Little M. Baby M was NOT impressed with me. I had a full weekend planned of adventures. Friday was the fair, Saturday the zoo and park, and Sunday splash pad. On my way to pick up Little M, her current foster mom reported she had a fever earlier in the week and had a sore in her mouth. She included tylenol "just in case she needs it". Famous last words. Something you should know about me is I am insanely fond of the fair. If it looks like it could potentially kill you, I'm all in. I had requested this day off work weeks in advance and was super excited to spend this day with my best friend, her family, baby M, and now little M.

When I picked little M up, her daycare let me know she had Tylenol at 10 and would need it again around 2. My mind started racing a bit. No big deal. For sure another foster mom would NEVER send a foster kid on respite while they are sick?!?! Right? Wrong. We headed to lunch and Little M wouldn't eat. She said her mouth hurt. I looked in her mouth and was horrified. There wasn't one sore, her mouth was covered in sores. Poor little love. She was able to take an ice cream shake okay. Against my better judgement, we headed to the fair. She did amazing until about 3. The rides had just opened and she was falling asleep. PERFECT TIMING! I was stoked to ride some crazy rides!!! I hopped in line with my besties husband and my best friend stood guard over the strollers. She signaled that she was crying. I ran over and she was not only crying but shaking and saying she was cold. It was about 85 plus that day. She shouldn't be cold. I took out the thermometer and sure enough, 103.5. This ended our trip. I parted ways with my bestie and headed back to the pickup with the girls. Head turned to the ground like I had just been scolded. I was sad for me, baby M, and Little M. I got a text from her foster mom "checking in". I let her know she had a high fever and we were headed home.

She then sent me a slew of texts about how sick shes been this whole week with making trips to urgent care and the ER. She said she was getting better though. This would have been nice to know before I accepted placement. She was pretty angry when she suggested she come and pick her up and I agreed. You just dont do that! You dont send your foster child on respite when they are sick. Seriously!!! I snuggled her on the couch until her foster mom got there.  I expected Little M to run up to her. Nothing. Not even a hug or a pat on the head. It was "lets go."

So guess who woke up sick?? Not only me but baby M is now getting sick too. Am I wrong to be mad? Because I am so angry. I am so angry this foster mom did that to little M, so angry she ruined our day, so angry she didn't provided her the comfort she needed, and SO ANGRY baby M is getting sick. This shouldn't have happened. My best friend said, "Don't worry, its what being a mom is all about." No, no hun, its not. Being a mom is staying home with your sick child and not sending them on respite! Being a mom is running to your child and scooping them up and holding them when they are sick or hurt. Being a mom....

So that was my first respite experience. Baby M and I still enjoyed the weekend but we will not get another chance to go to the fair. I had such high expectation for taking her to the fair for the first time. Things just don't always go as planned.

-K-

Baby M Update

 

   I have had baby M for 3 months now. She has fully adjusted into my home. We have struggles but the struggles have all gotten better. Mom has now missed two visits. Come to find out she is very very late to all visits and the visit aide was doing her a “favor” and waiting. She has since stopped. 

                Let’s talk about visits. The night before visits is hard and heartbreaking. There’s no other way to describe it. Baby M wakes up with night terrors. It took about two hours to calm her down in the beginning. Now all I need to do is pick her up and she calms down with my touch and voice. After visits (if mom cooks) she either throws up or has diarrhea.  I have brought this up to the team on numerous occasions but no one has done anything. I discussed this with mom at the last Child, Family, Team meeting but she didn’t grasp what I was saying. I took her to the doctor just in case and the doctor said it was pretty evident she was being fed bad food. At a visit last week, mom got in a heated one sided argument with the visit aide in from of baby M. Baby M emotionally reacted the rest of the day and had a fit the next time she was taken to visit and cried throughout the two hour visit. I am pro visits but at times, visits should be suspended. I think we’re getting close to that. I hate that baby M has to go through these things. Nothing I do seem to prevent the nightmares. 

                Her biting, kicking, pinching, screaming, hitting and all other maladaptive behaviors have decreased to age appropriate issues. She is beginning to throw tantrums which are fun. I love seeing her act like a two year old. I love seeing age appropriate stuff in kiddos. She starts PCR soon, which concerns me. Her mom isn’t stable and were going to do PCR… I know I’m just a therapist over here, but, wait… I’m a therapist and I would not do PCR with a child and mother until the mother shows stability. 

                Speaking of mom, she is so busy pointing blame on others; she is losing valuable time in order to regain custody of baby M.  Court is in about a month. Mom has done nothing but show for most visits. I want to yell at her. I want to scream “FIGHT” but nothing I have said helps to this point. She says she trusts me and is thankful for me. She is allowing me to travel to New York to see my family with baby M this summer. I just want her to try. Either outcome, I want baby M to know her mom tried and fought for her. I don’t want to explain to her that her mom did not make an effort to get her back. 

                Life has changed so much for me. It is going to continue to change. I was blessed with an opportunity to work one job while earning the same amount I do with working two. The middle of May, I will transition into the role of a hospice social worker.  I will be home much more. No more 6 day weeks!!!! I will also be taking a second placement when I settle into my new position. How wonderfully blessed am I??? Friday, I will be doing respite for the first time for a little girl who is 3. I am super excited!! We will be going to the county fair Friday, zoo Saturday, and splash pad Sunday. Life is good. God is good. My heart is full. 

Until next time,

K

How did that get there????

That's my brick wall and a cute firemen. <3 The car doesn't belong there. Baby M was taking a lovely and much needed bubble bath when I felt a rumble. I didn't think anything of it. A few seconds later someone is pounding on my door. I typically don't ever answer my door. I'm so lame. When I get home I just want to vege out with the baby. This person would not stop pounding the door down. I grabbed M and wrapped her in a towel and answered the door. She told me someone crashed into my horse corral. Now... I didn't know what to think. I ran outside and sure enough. Someone drove through my horse corral and ended stuck through my wall. The car was smoldering, The horses were running, bucking, kicking and snorting. Baby M was naked with a little shark towel on my hip screaming. There's now about 50 foot of my wall down and a large hole in my horse corral, I'm not sure what to do, and this guy is stumbling towards me apologizing. I called 911 and made sure he was okay. I then gave him a good talking to.

I had a very tough time being a social worker in this moment. The only thing that kept me calm was baby M. I wasn't even mad, just dumbfounded. There is no road behind my house. He was going southbound on the road in front of my house, ran up into the dirt, crashed BAD into an electric box, spun around and started going southbound down the wash behind my house and then crashed west into my wall. He told the police office her blacked out. There were witnesses. I am glad hes okay, don't get me wrong, but WHAT THE HECK!!!! How did this happen.

It took 2 hours to get the car out of my wall. Its gone and I'm left with a big mess. Brick flew about 100 feet into my yard. I am very blessed no one was hurt. I have my horses in a small area until I can get them boarded at my gramps this weekend and I just finished putting up a temporary fence for my pups. He was arrested and charged with multiple charges last night. One being a DUI. I pray he uses this as his rock bottom. Time to make some changes.

Life is full of surprises and challenges!! I'm pretty sure there was a reason for this. Maybe it was his wake-up call. Maybe it was mine. I am very thankful no one or nothing was seriously injured. I don't know if you can see the railroad tie in the picture that is sunk in the ground as a fence post. That's the exact spot I feed my horses. There is now brick and bent iron in that spot. I had just fed them. They must have sensed danger and got out of there. I have counted my blessings time and time again in this accident.

Update on the baby next. I promise!

-K-