Visits are going.... eh. I work in the field. I knew what to expect, I just didn't think at her age it would be this tough. Visit days are so rough for her. Y'all know how the first visit went. The second visit mom gave her spoiled milk. She threw up for a few hours and felt better. The next time mom saw her, I had to take her to the CFT because the doctor appointment ran over. Mom was rough, yelled at her, snatched things from her, and slapped her. I ended up leaving early with her. I couldn't stand to see anymore. M was so confused. The next day she had a visit. She was grumpy and mom ended it early due to her being grumpy. On Wednesday we both stayed home sick. We slept on the couch for 4 hours for her nap. I kept her home with a babysitter on Thursday and sent her back to daycare Friday. I almost cancelled the visit but decided against it.
Friday's actually a funny day. I took her to the doctor on Thursday. She just has the common crud everyone in Arizona has. She prescribed Zyrtec and a cough medicine. That night before was rough. She spit her medicine at me 4 times. On the 5th dose I left the lid off and she threw the bottle across the room. Rookie mistake, I know. But this was the medicine that I went to 3 different pharmacies to get because everyone is out of it. I held her in the glider until 2 am. I dont sleep like that. I read a book, caught up on words with friends, and started playing chess. She stopped coughing around 2, so I put her in the crib. I went to bed and forgot to set my alarm. I woke up at 6:30. I had a half hour to get myself and her out the door, while feeding the dogs, horses, and baby and showering. I did it. Somewhere in the day I was told happy birthday by my brother.... I totally forgot about my own birthday. My brain has officially changed. I picked her up and the daycare said she was feeling puny since returning from her visit with mom which was about 20 minutes before I picked her up. I gave her a hug and a kiss and told her I loved her. SMACK She got me right in the face this time. Then bit me and scratched me. I told her I loved her again while she screamed. I eventually got her buckled in and off we went to get more cough medicine. I was sitting in the drive through of the pharmacy for about 20 minutes waiting on another bottle of cough medicine when I heard her gagging... She threw up. Everywhere!!! Now... I can handle anything. And I mean anything. I once had my hand in a young woman's body holding off a bleeding artery while they wheeled her into surgery. I worked in the hospital with cancer children or almost 10 years. Blood, guts, broken bones, poop, pee, no biggie. I cannot handle vomit. Even the word makes me nauseous. So picture this: me sitting in the drive through fighting with the pharmacists who just told me they don't have it and she cant find a pharmacy that does with a child throwing up everywhere. Not pretty. I start gagging and just drive off. I didn't say a word. Just drove off. I look back and she started to sing and play in it. I cant handle this. I CANNOT HANDLE THIS!!! I drove home with all the windows open, gagging, praying, and planning my next move. I didn't know what to do. How the heck do I clean her up!!!
I get home and instead of taking her out of the car seat in the truck (with fear her vomit would fall in the truck) I removed the whole car seat, baby and all. I sat them on the drive way and poked at the buckles until she was free. I had to take multiple breaks to pray and gag and breathe. I'm utterly ridiculous. I know. I checked the mail before going inside buying me time to plan my next move. Guess what was in the mail! A speeding ticket.... I am now 31 years old and just received my first speeding ticket on my birthday while my very first foster child covered in vomit is singing and playing with her vomit in my driveway. I somehow managed to get her up the stairs and in the tub without touching her. Clothes, shoes, diaper and all. I thought her splashing around would get it off. I was wrong. Oh my goodness was I wrong. I eventually got her cleaned up, fed, lotioned, storied, and in bed. Now, to tend to the car seat.
My friend drove by as I stood in my driveway and stared at the car seat. She stopped and laughed with/at me and left. She came back a few minutes later as I still am standing there trying to figure it out with a six pack of my favorite beer, roses, and a hug from my gorgeous god daughter. I eventually got everything cleaned and I survived the night. I was able to laugh through most of it and have laughed about it all day today.
Its Saturday. No visit. She is wonderful today, except for her cough. I'm still traumatized. I'm sure all moms and dads have a story like this. I told my dad tonight and he laughed. He asked if I went out for my birthday and if that was why I missed his call. HA!!! I only can wish that was the case. I can still smell it. I swear it will stick with me forever. I have to find a way to get over this reaction to people throwing up.
Until next time. -K-
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Thursday, February 19, 2015
First visit
Baby M had her very first visit with mom yesterday. She met with mom from 11-1. I assumed she would get lunch but probably skip the nap. I knew she would be a little more emotional than normal. I called the visit aide and I was told she did very well. She did cry on the way back to the daycare but that was expected. I will take her to the next visit so I can be the judge of how she does after. I called the daycare and they said she was okay, a little emotional but nothing too bad. Bullet dodged! Mission accomplished! It’s going to be okay! So I thought.
As I walked into the daycare to pick her up after work, I could hear her screaming. I rushed back without even signing the papers to grab her. I had to walk through three rooms before I could reach her. She was in the corner bawling her eyes out. She cried and cried and cried. I held onto until she calmed down. As soon as she was calm I put her in her carseat. The tears and screams started again. She screamed for her juice then snack. She drank an entire sippie cup of juice within a few minutes. She started falling asleep eating her fruit. She slept most of the way home then proceeded to scream the rest of the evening. All through dinner between fisting mashed potatoes in her mouth, all through bath, and all through story time. I rocked her for a while trying to get her to calm down. By 7:30, I decided it was time to just lay her down. Bedtime was rough. We worked on it for about 20 minutes but she finally fell asleep.
Is this what visit days are going to look like from now on? Do I say something about changing times? I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes but baby M does not deserve to go through this twice a week. She needs lunch and she needs a nap. Why didn’t the visit aide ensure she had lunch? My heart hurts for baby M right now. Baby M came to me with a few inappropriate behaviors going on; hitting, pulling hair, biting, scratching, and something else. They subsided the longer she has been with me but yesterday they were back in full swing. The more I told her no, the louder and fiercer her screaming became. I’m not 100% comfortable sharing with y’all the most concerning behavior but trust that it hurts my heart and has been reported forward.
I’m praying Friday goes much better. Any tips from other foster parents?
As I walked into the daycare to pick her up after work, I could hear her screaming. I rushed back without even signing the papers to grab her. I had to walk through three rooms before I could reach her. She was in the corner bawling her eyes out. She cried and cried and cried. I held onto until she calmed down. As soon as she was calm I put her in her carseat. The tears and screams started again. She screamed for her juice then snack. She drank an entire sippie cup of juice within a few minutes. She started falling asleep eating her fruit. She slept most of the way home then proceeded to scream the rest of the evening. All through dinner between fisting mashed potatoes in her mouth, all through bath, and all through story time. I rocked her for a while trying to get her to calm down. By 7:30, I decided it was time to just lay her down. Bedtime was rough. We worked on it for about 20 minutes but she finally fell asleep.
Is this what visit days are going to look like from now on? Do I say something about changing times? I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes but baby M does not deserve to go through this twice a week. She needs lunch and she needs a nap. Why didn’t the visit aide ensure she had lunch? My heart hurts for baby M right now. Baby M came to me with a few inappropriate behaviors going on; hitting, pulling hair, biting, scratching, and something else. They subsided the longer she has been with me but yesterday they were back in full swing. The more I told her no, the louder and fiercer her screaming became. I’m not 100% comfortable sharing with y’all the most concerning behavior but trust that it hurts my heart and has been reported forward.
I’m praying Friday goes much better. Any tips from other foster parents?
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Everything happens for a reason.
I truly believe this. Monday afternoon, I picked up baby M and headed home to cook dinner and get ready for my night class. I fed the horses and let the dogs out. My naughty little dog ran outside. I normally don’t let her out alone because she tends to find a way to escape into the horse pen. This time, I let her. A friend stopped by with girl scout cookies in the meantime. They were outside maybe 5 minutes. I went to let them in and she wasn’t coming. I noticed the garage door open and went out there. She was walking very very slow towards me with her head tilted. I thought maybe she had something in her mouth. I reached down and she yelped. I ran in with baby M, but her in the crib and ran out to grab Maggie. She was bleeding out the side of her head. I quickly called and cancelled class, grabbed the keys, baby M, and Maggie and ran out the door.
The first vet I stopped at was 5 minutes up the road. The vet wasn’t there. I loaded everything back in my truck and headed to the next, ten minutes away. I noticed a friend trailing very close behind me. I texted her for help while I was running out of the house. By the time I made it to the next vet, Maggie was barely breathing, bleeding out of her mouth, and passing out. They rushed her in back. This whole thing from time I let her out to then was probably a half hour. I knew she was dying. The vet quickly found out it was a rattlesnake bite. I was mortified. Snake season, I always walk the yard and check first. I didn’t even think with how warm it has been because it’s still so early in the year. They started working on saving her life. They told me to leave. I couldn’t even see her before I left. I got a call two hours later stating it wasn’t looking good. She was bleeding everywhere and wasn’t responding to the anti-venom. I found someone to watch baby M and drove down to say goodbye. She didn’t know me. I pray she could hear me. In that moment I felt at blame. I felt like I had done this to her. I cried so hard. I birthed this dog. I have had her for many years. She is my little daredevil and cuddle muffin. I haven’t even mourned the loss of Mason and now Maggie is gone.
The next day, I put my favorite necklace on. It’s a horseshoe. I normally put it on and tug a little to make sure it’s clasped. Later in the morning it fell off. I thought that was so weird. I put it on again and tugged harder this time. It fell off again about an hour later. I checked the clasp and it was fine. I think this was a sign. I sat back and thought about the events of the day prior. That morning baby M woke up early. I like to have the horses fed before she wakes, but yesterday I took her with me. I put her down next to the hay while I loaded the hay in the barrel for the day. I picked her back up and went on with my day. That same spot I put baby M down is where I found the snake after I took Maggie to the vet. A 4.5 foot western rattlesnake. It had 17 rattles. Please don’t be angry because I had to do this. Rattlesnakes are territorial and will come back. I killed it. First I called the university to see if they could pick it up and they couldn’t so I had to protect my family. I truly believe Maggie saved baby M’s life and possibly mine too. She knew the snake was there and she did everything she could to protect us. I will never ever forget this. I feel my necklace falling was a reminder from her that I need to count the blessings even through the storms and to let me know she made it safely to heaven. My heart still hurts but there is a greater purpose to life beyond my control and I find peace in this.
The first vet I stopped at was 5 minutes up the road. The vet wasn’t there. I loaded everything back in my truck and headed to the next, ten minutes away. I noticed a friend trailing very close behind me. I texted her for help while I was running out of the house. By the time I made it to the next vet, Maggie was barely breathing, bleeding out of her mouth, and passing out. They rushed her in back. This whole thing from time I let her out to then was probably a half hour. I knew she was dying. The vet quickly found out it was a rattlesnake bite. I was mortified. Snake season, I always walk the yard and check first. I didn’t even think with how warm it has been because it’s still so early in the year. They started working on saving her life. They told me to leave. I couldn’t even see her before I left. I got a call two hours later stating it wasn’t looking good. She was bleeding everywhere and wasn’t responding to the anti-venom. I found someone to watch baby M and drove down to say goodbye. She didn’t know me. I pray she could hear me. In that moment I felt at blame. I felt like I had done this to her. I cried so hard. I birthed this dog. I have had her for many years. She is my little daredevil and cuddle muffin. I haven’t even mourned the loss of Mason and now Maggie is gone.
The next day, I put my favorite necklace on. It’s a horseshoe. I normally put it on and tug a little to make sure it’s clasped. Later in the morning it fell off. I thought that was so weird. I put it on again and tugged harder this time. It fell off again about an hour later. I checked the clasp and it was fine. I think this was a sign. I sat back and thought about the events of the day prior. That morning baby M woke up early. I like to have the horses fed before she wakes, but yesterday I took her with me. I put her down next to the hay while I loaded the hay in the barrel for the day. I picked her back up and went on with my day. That same spot I put baby M down is where I found the snake after I took Maggie to the vet. A 4.5 foot western rattlesnake. It had 17 rattles. Please don’t be angry because I had to do this. Rattlesnakes are territorial and will come back. I killed it. First I called the university to see if they could pick it up and they couldn’t so I had to protect my family. I truly believe Maggie saved baby M’s life and possibly mine too. She knew the snake was there and she did everything she could to protect us. I will never ever forget this. I feel my necklace falling was a reminder from her that I need to count the blessings even through the storms and to let me know she made it safely to heaven. My heart still hurts but there is a greater purpose to life beyond my control and I find peace in this.
Did you really just say that?
I'm a brand new mom. I am not inexperienced. I had guardianship of my friends’ children for a year and I am an expert in the field of children. I’m a child and family therapist and often teach parents the necessary and effective parenting skills. I can hear some of you seasoned parents already saying “It’s not the same.” Trust me, I got this. What I have been challenged with is the comments people have made to me about parenting. The sneers I get from people who know she is not mine. The feelings I have towards her bio mom. The overwhelming sadness and loss I felt leaving her the first time. I’m a new mom, but I’m not.
Unsolicited parenting advice, please take it elsewhere. I always teach my students the difference between giving advice and providing suggestions and support. Advice feels like someone has put me in a chair in the principal’s office and is slamming me with nonconstructive criticism furthering my demise. Suggestions feel like lightbulbs going off. Great ideas and collaboration floating around. Please don’t point your finger and tell me how to do it because I am doing a great job. My best friend is very…. What’s the word I am looking for…. Passive aggressive. I posted a picture of baby M in her car seat with her face covered with a heart for privacy. She wasn’t buckled because I had just put her in and we weren’t moving. Immediately she said, “What made you decide to not buckle her right away?” I chose to ignore her comment. At this point, I made the decision to ignore all parenting comments. I was overwhelmed and at my limits. So, I went on with my day enjoying little M. A few hours later another text came in stating “I hope you’re not mad. I was just curious.” After thinking about it for a second, I remembered 6 months prior when she had her daughter. I remembered her crying to me about the same feelings about people pointing and giving their advice. I reminded her of that. Not pointing fingers but rather saying that’s how I was feeling. It was not directed towards her but at everyone else in my life. I was more reaching out for support. Her response “K, goodnight.” I knew it was about to hit the fan. I love my best friend very much but I also know her flaws and have come to be on the other end of her fury multiple times. About ten minutes later she let me have it. Stating I was a horrible friend and I triggered her and blah, blah, blah. I did what I have done so many times before. I apologized, because that’s what I do. I don’t stand up for myself, I don’t want to ever hurt or make another person feel sad, and I take the easy way out and apologize. I know her so well; I knew exactly what she would do next. She would change her I message settings so I wouldn’t be able to see if she read my message or not. Whatever, I was tired and had an explosion of toys in my house to clean up. I would deal with this later. I didn’t talk to her again for the next few days. A very horrible and frightening thing happened and I reached out for support. I shouldn’t have. Since then, I haven’t heard from her. I remember during PS-MAPP our trainer described his wife cleaning out the friends who didn’t require constant attention. He described it as the energy and attention suckers having to go. Is this what is happening to my friendship? Do I not need a best friend? Or is life changing so I will quire positive friends? Looking back, the situation was ridiculous but it has changed my view of her.
Let’s talk about the feelings for bio mom before things change and I forget how I feel. I never expected to feel the way I do. Working in the field, I feel a lot of disappointment, and anger for the bio parents. There has never been a time where I just out right feel bad for them, yet. When I got baby M, I immediately thought of her mom. Of course I was worried about baby M and how she would adjust, her fear level and such but I knew she was safe with me. I felt so sad for her mom. I cried for her mom. How scared and worried she must feel. Is she okay? Is she sad? Is she safe? I was so confused by how I was feeling. She has a lot of challenges she is about to face and I am so worried she will not be able to do it. The odds are stacked against her. A co-worker recently told me the statistics of how often children are reunifying in my state. It’s not good! It’s around 25%. I am a forever home, regardless of what happens. I want baby M to reunify. It’s her best chance at life. She has a strong bond with mom. I want to help foster this bond and strengthen it. Baby M has her first visit with mom today. Actually, she should be wrapping up in the next ten minutes. I wrote mom a note introducing myself and giving her support. I pray she takes it. I truly do believe in her and want the best for her. The best for her is also the best for baby M. I will be taking baby M to her visits on Fridays so I will be able to meet mom in person. I’m just praying it all goes well. It’s okay if she’s angry with me. It’s okay if she doesn’t like me. As long as she knows I believe in her and am keeping baby M safe, that is all that matters.
I need to find time to write more. I have so much in my mind to share with new foster parents but also scary things that I would like feedback on. I see people checking but no one leaving messages. Feel free to leave comments, questions, or suggestions. :)
Unsolicited parenting advice, please take it elsewhere. I always teach my students the difference between giving advice and providing suggestions and support. Advice feels like someone has put me in a chair in the principal’s office and is slamming me with nonconstructive criticism furthering my demise. Suggestions feel like lightbulbs going off. Great ideas and collaboration floating around. Please don’t point your finger and tell me how to do it because I am doing a great job. My best friend is very…. What’s the word I am looking for…. Passive aggressive. I posted a picture of baby M in her car seat with her face covered with a heart for privacy. She wasn’t buckled because I had just put her in and we weren’t moving. Immediately she said, “What made you decide to not buckle her right away?” I chose to ignore her comment. At this point, I made the decision to ignore all parenting comments. I was overwhelmed and at my limits. So, I went on with my day enjoying little M. A few hours later another text came in stating “I hope you’re not mad. I was just curious.” After thinking about it for a second, I remembered 6 months prior when she had her daughter. I remembered her crying to me about the same feelings about people pointing and giving their advice. I reminded her of that. Not pointing fingers but rather saying that’s how I was feeling. It was not directed towards her but at everyone else in my life. I was more reaching out for support. Her response “K, goodnight.” I knew it was about to hit the fan. I love my best friend very much but I also know her flaws and have come to be on the other end of her fury multiple times. About ten minutes later she let me have it. Stating I was a horrible friend and I triggered her and blah, blah, blah. I did what I have done so many times before. I apologized, because that’s what I do. I don’t stand up for myself, I don’t want to ever hurt or make another person feel sad, and I take the easy way out and apologize. I know her so well; I knew exactly what she would do next. She would change her I message settings so I wouldn’t be able to see if she read my message or not. Whatever, I was tired and had an explosion of toys in my house to clean up. I would deal with this later. I didn’t talk to her again for the next few days. A very horrible and frightening thing happened and I reached out for support. I shouldn’t have. Since then, I haven’t heard from her. I remember during PS-MAPP our trainer described his wife cleaning out the friends who didn’t require constant attention. He described it as the energy and attention suckers having to go. Is this what is happening to my friendship? Do I not need a best friend? Or is life changing so I will quire positive friends? Looking back, the situation was ridiculous but it has changed my view of her.
Let’s talk about the feelings for bio mom before things change and I forget how I feel. I never expected to feel the way I do. Working in the field, I feel a lot of disappointment, and anger for the bio parents. There has never been a time where I just out right feel bad for them, yet. When I got baby M, I immediately thought of her mom. Of course I was worried about baby M and how she would adjust, her fear level and such but I knew she was safe with me. I felt so sad for her mom. I cried for her mom. How scared and worried she must feel. Is she okay? Is she sad? Is she safe? I was so confused by how I was feeling. She has a lot of challenges she is about to face and I am so worried she will not be able to do it. The odds are stacked against her. A co-worker recently told me the statistics of how often children are reunifying in my state. It’s not good! It’s around 25%. I am a forever home, regardless of what happens. I want baby M to reunify. It’s her best chance at life. She has a strong bond with mom. I want to help foster this bond and strengthen it. Baby M has her first visit with mom today. Actually, she should be wrapping up in the next ten minutes. I wrote mom a note introducing myself and giving her support. I pray she takes it. I truly do believe in her and want the best for her. The best for her is also the best for baby M. I will be taking baby M to her visits on Fridays so I will be able to meet mom in person. I’m just praying it all goes well. It’s okay if she’s angry with me. It’s okay if she doesn’t like me. As long as she knows I believe in her and am keeping baby M safe, that is all that matters.
I need to find time to write more. I have so much in my mind to share with new foster parents but also scary things that I would like feedback on. I see people checking but no one leaving messages. Feel free to leave comments, questions, or suggestions. :)
Sunday, February 15, 2015
The Call part 2
I'm now officially licensed! Over a week ago I got the call. I am now licensed. How exciting is that!!!! The next day my worker called and said she forgot to open my bed. So, now I'm not only licensed but have a bed open for a little precious!!!
Mason had a rough week. I had to take him back to the shelter to see the vet. Something I didn't want to do or expose him to. I cancelled my afternoon appointments and drove him in on a Friday afternoon. On the way, I received the call, stating they forgot to open my bed. Six minutes later I got another call. A newborn baby exposed to meth needed a place to stay while mom got clean. I was over the moon. I cannot even begin to describe how many emotions I was feeling. I rushed through the vet visit with Mason, and hurried home. (He just needed a change in meds.) I anxiously waited for the DCS worker to call. Hour after hour. I then realized I needed minimal things. I had prepared for children from birth to three but decided not to get everything until I knew the age. I packed the diaper bag, checked the car seat ten times, and headed out.
I got everything I needed, I thought, and still waited for the call. So I decided it would be helpful if I was already at the hospital when DCS called. I know how busy they are. So I sat in the parking lot. I called my licensing agency and she said they still needed me and to sit tight and wait for their call. I stayed in the parking lot until 10 pm. I drove the long 40 minutes home, without the baby, not knowing how to feel. My licensing agency reports that happens all the time. I really wish someone would have told me that. I stayed up until exhaustion hit and tried to remain hopeful. I sat by my phone the entire weekend. Nothing. No call. No news. My bed was reopened. I didn't expect this. I had no idea these type of things happen. So for the next few days I waited for the next call.
February 10th, I was woken at 4 am by a familiar sound. The sound of a little puppy mouth jittery, frothing, and a body convulsing. The blood left my body. Mason was having a seizure. I got down next to him and stroked his head until it stopped. I had already been warned that if he starts seizing, the valley fever would have made it to his brain and nothing more could be done. After what seemed like eternity, the seizure stopped. I scooped the fearful pup up and held onto him, knowing this would be one of the last few times he would feel my love. He started right into another seizure and another, and 6 more before I even reached the vet. He wasn't even coming fully out of the seizures before the next would start. I was crying and begging god to just take him. Don't let him suffer in the end like this. The vets worked hard at pulling him out but nothing was working. He had close to 15 seizures from 4 am to 5 am. I had to make the decision to end his suffering. They said he wouldn't know me and don't be shocked by his state. When I walked back, his legs were still seizing but he was focused on my face. I said, "I love you Mason Lason" and he looked me in the eyes. I broke at that point. I massaged his head until the end. My little foster pup who knew nothing but neglect for the first 18 months of his life, knew love for the last 10 days.
I left the vets and went home and took a long run to clear my head. I still had to somehow teach that day and have an afternoon full of therapy appointments. I made it through the day somehow. Exhausted and with a headache but I made it through. That evening, I went for another run and put in 5 more miles. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. I was finally finally asleep when a received another call. An 18 month old little girl needed placement.
Baby M came into my home very late that night. We didn't get to bed until close to 1 am. She came to me filthy, clothes too small, bruises on her legs, the start of a cold, scratches on her arms, a diaper rash form hell and scared. Baby M slept in my arms that night in the rocker. The next day and actually few days have been great. She's loving and sweet and full of 2 year old sass!! Bed time went from absolutely horrible and heartbreaking to a very special routine in a matter of days. She holds onto a picture of her mamma and we read a story and say goodnight. I cannot complain, she sleeps 14 hours a night and takes a 3 hour nap. She's a picky eater, but were working on that. I am truly blessed!
Next up, the things people say...
Mason had a rough week. I had to take him back to the shelter to see the vet. Something I didn't want to do or expose him to. I cancelled my afternoon appointments and drove him in on a Friday afternoon. On the way, I received the call, stating they forgot to open my bed. Six minutes later I got another call. A newborn baby exposed to meth needed a place to stay while mom got clean. I was over the moon. I cannot even begin to describe how many emotions I was feeling. I rushed through the vet visit with Mason, and hurried home. (He just needed a change in meds.) I anxiously waited for the DCS worker to call. Hour after hour. I then realized I needed minimal things. I had prepared for children from birth to three but decided not to get everything until I knew the age. I packed the diaper bag, checked the car seat ten times, and headed out.
I got everything I needed, I thought, and still waited for the call. So I decided it would be helpful if I was already at the hospital when DCS called. I know how busy they are. So I sat in the parking lot. I called my licensing agency and she said they still needed me and to sit tight and wait for their call. I stayed in the parking lot until 10 pm. I drove the long 40 minutes home, without the baby, not knowing how to feel. My licensing agency reports that happens all the time. I really wish someone would have told me that. I stayed up until exhaustion hit and tried to remain hopeful. I sat by my phone the entire weekend. Nothing. No call. No news. My bed was reopened. I didn't expect this. I had no idea these type of things happen. So for the next few days I waited for the next call.
February 10th, I was woken at 4 am by a familiar sound. The sound of a little puppy mouth jittery, frothing, and a body convulsing. The blood left my body. Mason was having a seizure. I got down next to him and stroked his head until it stopped. I had already been warned that if he starts seizing, the valley fever would have made it to his brain and nothing more could be done. After what seemed like eternity, the seizure stopped. I scooped the fearful pup up and held onto him, knowing this would be one of the last few times he would feel my love. He started right into another seizure and another, and 6 more before I even reached the vet. He wasn't even coming fully out of the seizures before the next would start. I was crying and begging god to just take him. Don't let him suffer in the end like this. The vets worked hard at pulling him out but nothing was working. He had close to 15 seizures from 4 am to 5 am. I had to make the decision to end his suffering. They said he wouldn't know me and don't be shocked by his state. When I walked back, his legs were still seizing but he was focused on my face. I said, "I love you Mason Lason" and he looked me in the eyes. I broke at that point. I massaged his head until the end. My little foster pup who knew nothing but neglect for the first 18 months of his life, knew love for the last 10 days.
I left the vets and went home and took a long run to clear my head. I still had to somehow teach that day and have an afternoon full of therapy appointments. I made it through the day somehow. Exhausted and with a headache but I made it through. That evening, I went for another run and put in 5 more miles. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. I was finally finally asleep when a received another call. An 18 month old little girl needed placement.
Baby M came into my home very late that night. We didn't get to bed until close to 1 am. She came to me filthy, clothes too small, bruises on her legs, the start of a cold, scratches on her arms, a diaper rash form hell and scared. Baby M slept in my arms that night in the rocker. The next day and actually few days have been great. She's loving and sweet and full of 2 year old sass!! Bed time went from absolutely horrible and heartbreaking to a very special routine in a matter of days. She holds onto a picture of her mamma and we read a story and say goodnight. I cannot complain, she sleeps 14 hours a night and takes a 3 hour nap. She's a picky eater, but were working on that. I am truly blessed!
Next up, the things people say...
Saturday, February 7, 2015
The call!
Let me take you back a few to my dogs I have at home. I have two little dogs, Maggie and Flower, and two large dogs, Merle and Morgan. I use to take my previous dogs to the dog park all the time. I stopped when one of my older dogs was attacked. I was fearful. My dogs have never been around other dogs. I had no reason to be worried about their reaction but also every reason to be worried about it. I was bringing home a dog that reeked of filth, who needed to be carried most of the day, required hand feeding, and constant attention into my home with two very hyper goldens and two very bratty little dogs. Did I fail to mention, I also have my mother’s dogs at times…. I’m looking back and feeling the craziness ooze out of my eyes.
I didn’t get out of the animal shelter until close to 11. I took him straight to the PetSmart to get a collar, leash, and tag. I got lots of dirty looks in regards to this bag of bones that could barely walk sitting in the cart with me. We then went off to the groomers. Did I fail to mention I’m terrified of doggy germs? I can handle getting sick, but cannot handle it when my dogs are sick. I scrubbed him up and found a shiny little pup under all that filth. I had been calling him by his name for a few hours by this point. Each time I did, he didn’t acknowledge me. I tried a new name and after two times, he responded. Mason it was. On the way home I picked up some food for me. I was starving. I tried sharing and he wouldn’t touch a bite.
Once home, Mason hobbled around the backyard, taking many breaks before finally going potty. First came Morgan. She ran out and kissed him all over and sang him the song of her people while bringing him every toy, stick, and ball she could find. I locked Merle inside, or so I thought I did. He came bounding out and sniffed him all over. He knocked Mason over with his excitement and Mason yelped. Merle got it. He’s hurt and he learned he needs to be calm. The little bratty dogs didn’t care one bit, just another thing to look down on.
It’s been almost a full week. I went into this saying I was not adopting Mason, I would only be fostering him. I had to take him in for a checkup yesterday at the animal shelter and continued promising him I would not leave him there. I had to walk through the shelter, rows and rows of dogs with Mason. I could feel his body tensing with each row as we neared the back where he was left. It took about an hour before he calmed down. Mason had stopped eating the day before. They asked for me to leave him overnight and I panicked. I let them know I would wait and he’s not staying anywhere. Turns out the pain medicine was upsetting his belly so we were able to switch some things around and he’s back to eating today. Mason may not survive this or he may. It’s hard to tell at this point. He is very sick but has already started making progress. Mason is home. He can consider himself adopted. I will be making it official soon. As we drove out of the shelter, I got the call I had been waiting for. This is it!
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