The Holiday Season has Begun

The holidays have always been a rough time of the year for me. It's when everything fell apart growing up. The abuse was usually at its worst. The stress was always high. It's also when I was kidnapped. Holidays are always rough for me. 

I thought being a mom, things would be different. This is my first thanksgiving as a mom. The girls and I had a good day. We have Chunks sister and she's as sweet as can be. I cooked them a nice dinner. The elf on the shelf left them a surprise after bed. We watched movies and read books and I put the girls down. And then the tears just started coming out of no where. 

I had another hard conversation today with someone I treasure. This person asked how my mother was and I just was tired of lying. So I told her the total truth. I'm so tired of having to continue to tell the story or come clean to people about her. When does this end??? 

I honestly thought holidays would start to get easier. I miss my family so much. The trauma and the memories do not fade. It's learning to live with them. Sometimes, I just break. I cannot always be strong. Maybe it's court coming up. Or maybe it's just the season, but tonight I cannot be strong. 

-K

Tomorrow is a new day...

I'm so tired of this saying. I've said it to myself a million times over the past few years. I'm tired of saying and hearing it. 

I need to make changes in our lives. For myself and the girls. I've let the stress and anxiety of being a foster parent in limbo of severance and adoption take my focus away from the girls. I've let dating interfere with being a mom. Even though I don't go out often, it's obvious enough when your 2 year old asks if you're going on a date... I've let my job creep into my home life again. 

I need to refocus my energy. I sat back and looked at my yard today... I haven't even been doing yard work, which is something I have always enjoyed. 

Today, I have started to realize that I can only be so much and do so much. I need to come first. If I don't care for myself, I cannot care for my girls. 

It's very hard for me to sit back and give it to God... I need to have some control of my life but that's what I've done with J. I'm tired of hearing "I miss you" all the time. Well, I'm here... I haven't gone anywhere. We live a half hour away from each other and you would think we live towns apart. I'm tired of putting so much into something I don't think his heart is ready for. I'm going to "set him free" just as soon as I figure out how to do that since I never see him. 

I'm going to take better care of myself. My children. My home. My animals. My friendships. I'm going to work towards my goals. I'm going to set new goals. I'm ready to start fresh and remind myself what life is all about. 

I got this. Because right now will never happen again. 

-K

Trial

Court was a circus involving the police, again. We go to trial in December. 

Bio M brought someone, who is her cousin in laws mother, who wants to adopt Bug. My eyes welled with tears and I bit my lip and dug my fingernails into my palm to prevent the tears from flowing. 

Visits were not suspended due to the therapist not finishing her paperwork. We all know the results of the pcra but because she didn't finish her paperwork, Bug will suffer. A hearing to cancel visits is 4 days after the trial.... Does that make sense? 

On the way to court, 145, I got a call to come and get her. She was screaming so loud I could hear her and the administrator was two rooms away. My heart absolutely broke. I had to be in court. The administrator rocked her until I got done and to them at 330. I am in debt to them. She was dropped off from visit at 130. The judge way told this. Still. Visits continue. 

For obvious reasons,bi bolted the second the judge ended the hearing. The second I made it out of the building, the tears just came and wouldn't stop. A few friends asked how it went and I relayed. Some didn't understand which made it harder for me to explain. 

My heart hurts. For so many reasons. Because I wasn't strong enough to be the foster parent I hoped I could be. Because I cannot lose her. Because the unknown which could be a reality is more terrifying than what my nightmares have ever dreamed up. I may return home without my child who formed attachments with my father, brother and sister. How do you even explain this to family.... 

What did I get myself into. 

-K 

19 hours 22 minutes. But whose counting...

Tomorrow's the day. No one is going with me. Long story. Don't feel like sharing it. I took the day off from work. My boss was gracious enough to cover my calls and do a visit for me. Tomorrow's hearing will be the start to a potentially long trudge through mud. The judge may not even decide tomorrow if she accepts the change to the case plan. The judge may give her more time. 

Today has been really rough. A new worker in her preschool asked if she had a visit today. In front of Bug. She didn't know any better. I was back to pick her up by 1130. My patience is worn thin as my thoughts are like a tornado in my head about tomorrow. I want what is best for Bug. What's best for Bug is to reunify with her biological parent. She needs to be with the person she has formed that crucial attachment to. Unfortunately, that person is unable to put her own needs aside right now. 

So here we are. Hours away from a pivotal point in her state custody. I'm a nervous wreck. An emotional wreck. Stay tuned.... 

-K