The story behind fostering.

It's been a very trying 6 months. Sissy's struggles are almost beyond my capabilities. The lack of support helps push me over the edge frequently. I find myself telling people why I foster often. It's honestly a healthy reminder for me. 

1. I believe in change. 

I, 100%, believe that people, once given the right tools, have the ability to change. I believe that substance users can become clean. I believe that we can stabilize mental illness. I believe we can teach a neglectful parent how to be effective. I believe that all humans are born good. I also believe with the right team in place, these beliefs of mine become more prevalent. Possible thesis paper soon?? 

I've seen both ends of the spectrum of substance use battling dependencies. One has ended in severance. One is ending with reunification. Both teams were phenomenal. The difference. One mom was willing and the other was not. Despite her periods of stability and sobriety, she chose to continue to use substances. 

2. Children belong with their natural families. 

The best thing for a child is to be with their natural families. To be emersed in their culture. To know their mom, dad, grandparents, neighborhoods... I could go on for days. It's not about attachment. They could have a challenged attachment with their natural family and I would still believe the same. Children start the connection with their mothers during pregnancy. Their voice, tension, happiness, likes and dislikes all become part of that baby. Domestic violence also becomes part of it. High stress and anxiety leads to increased cortisol levels in the brain. A prolonged exposure to heightened cortisol creates a permanent shift in the brain. This can look like ADHD at times. With trauma informed care, parenting, and knowledge this is often reconized as PTSD.  PTSD in children have symptoms that mimic ADHD. Hyperactivity. Inability to focus for long periods of time. Always moving. Hyper aware... The list goes on. Saying all of the above, there are times when it would be more appropriate to permanently damage that attachment to provide the child with a safe and loving environment. This happens often when people choose to not change. 

3. Put your claws away.

I've examined how people treat their professional teams for a number of years and now the past year with a different perspective. I truly believe if we express gradutide, encourage excellence, and do our part we as foster parents will have a great experience. 

Quit baby snatching. Seriously. You heard me!!! If that's why you went into foster care, think again and say some prayers. Support the parents. Celebrate their accomplishments. Express your sorrow during their challenges. Cry with them. For the love of God, take a walk in their shoes. Fostering is about support, love, safety and the belief that change is possible. Give it a go. 

(I wrote this last exert moments after the father's rights were severed on Bug. I still full heartedly believe this.) 

Can you please say thank you every now and again. Not thanks but thank you. The manners police, otherwise known as Bug, will correct you. And how about throw in "I appreciate you." These people give every ounce of their being to help others. Like I taught my social work students, the helping profession is not a learned trait, you are born with this genetic trait. Do something with it and if you don't have it. Leave. 

4. Be gracious 

Today, I started work at 6am. I'm a single parent. This meant my kids were up at 530 and tucked into daycare at 6. My first agenda, see my two actively dying patients. I held hands, wiped tears, and provided reassurance to families, staff, and patients until it was time for court. I started at 6 so I could attend court. I then sat and allowed the paternal family to direct nasty comments towards me and once severance occurred, try to put the fear of God in me. The judge even caught me praying a few times. Checked my pickup... Threats have been made. Next stop, not lunch or coffee. Heaven knows I needed it. I haven't eaten since 4pm the day before and now it's 11am. But the next stop was back to those two families. I'm not sure what God was thinking yet today but literally as I walked into both places, the patient took their last breath. I'll find the meaning. Today isn't the day. More hugs, wiping tears, holding hands, saying prayers, but now, witnessing the final goodbyes and calling the morgue. Next stop, a patient who is close to my heart. He's a roller coaster. And his coaster has gone down for two weeks now. Again. More hugs and holding hands. Wiping tears and saying prayers. After all this. This day which I thought couldn't get more challenging. I had a patient's son say horrible things to me. He took his anger and aggression out on me. Fine. I'm the social worker. I can take it. I thought it would end there. But wait. I still need to support the nursing staff. 

So when I say be gracious, be gracious. Count your blessings. Remember your purpose. And please. Please. Remember, we do not know what the next person is going through. Or what their day was like. So when I walked through the threshold of the daycare to get only two of three of my babies and had to take a time out in tears, I am thankful that the director gave me a hug. I'm thankful for that extra squeeze I took the time to give sissy this morning before her three day visit. I'm thankful my children are healthy and have so many people who support and encourage them, I am thankful for prayer. And friends. And My incredibly patient boyfriend. Be gracious. We are so blessed. 

I have deep rooted trauma that shifts me to fostering. Above are some pretty hefty guidelines I follow. Give it a go. See what a difference it makes. 

-K 

It's okay to call me Kerri.

The past few months have been nothing shy of a roller coaster.

Sissy 

Sissy is a challenge. She has extreme behaviors and challenges me at every turn. One night she screamed "I hate you bitch" until 2 am and woke up for the day at 5. Her trauma is deep. She is violent. She has little remorse. She is hurt. She is just 4. Her professional team has been a joke. We recently fired them and have brought on a new agency. This past weekend we began overnights. The first overnight was great. She loaded up wonderfully when I picked her up. Driving away from rehab, she said "Kerri, I...." I froze. Sputtered a little laugh. Then cried. Today, before bed we talked about it. It's okay to call me Kerri. Two mommies is a confusing thing. In all reality, she's starting the transition process in her brain. She's separating from me. I just didn't know it would hurt like that. 

Chunk... My newest toddler. Her birthday was Monday and she is now 1. How did I go from a plump little 3 month old to this gracious child. She's doing amazing. Thriving. Peaceful. And stubborn. She's my baby. She will begin transitioning in the next month. 

And my Buggy Boo.... Tears have been flowing all day. DCS made a visit today and let me know that he needs to schedule a visit with the paternal grandparents. They are after her again. So sometime in the next week, she will meet with strangers for 2 hours. They will call themselves nana and tata. I'm handing my child over to strangers after I've worked 14 months at stranger danger and out attachment. They are seeking placement. Everyone keeps saying it will be okay. My friends who work the field know better. They know there is a great chance she will be moved out of my home. The 29th is our severance hearing for dad and from there, we move to a placement hearing and a lot of prayers. 

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we head into the unknown. 

Kerri 

It's happened

Bug's mom's rights have been severed. The judge ruled from the bench yesterday. On Thursday the attorney came over and we discussed all the what ifs. I truly am lucky with the team I have. They have always had bugs best interest at heart. Her mom used amphetamines 9 days prior to trial. I feel like that was the tipping point for our judge. I started to get hopeful. Then the judge said it. Dad has all of a sudden surfaced but his severance trial is already scheduled. His parents want her. My heart is again in my toes. So now it's fight time. They don't know her and she doesn't know them. She knows my best friends mom and grandfather as her grandparents. My dad is her papa and my brother is her Unkie. It would be detrimental to move her to strangers. So I will fight for her. 

Sissy continues to struggle daily. Not a day goes by that I think about my limit and how much more I can take. Her team is horrible. I called for help and got a return call 9 days later. We were in crisis when I called. Her team is a joke. We're are on DCS cm number 4. And number 4 I have worked with professionally and she is a joke. Returns kids way too quickly. Mom is still doing amazing though. I am so proud of her. 

And my little chunk. My heart has been hurting for a few months now. She will be going home soon. I don't think I will have her for her first birthday :/ She is crawling and talking up a storm. She's my little snuggle bug and sleepy head. She's my little night cap and love. It will be hard to see her go. She deserves to be with family. 

My little family is about to change again. And as much as I try to protect myself from the what ifs, I cannot wait to introduce bug as who she truly is. 

-K 

So so so much

Bug 

The last visit hearing resulted in the judge taking under advisement. Which means she has 60 days to make a decision wether or not visits will be cancelled. Please keep in mind next Tuesday begins the severance hearing. And last week, bug was sick on the couch because the visit aide allowed bio m to feed her whatever she brought from home. We started therapy today. Total joke. The therapist is brand new and has no idea how to address the sexualized behaviors. We should be going to a speciality provider but who I am to know this. I do like her. She's sweet and Bug likes her but I'm just being realistic. She's living with a therapist. We need specialty treatment... Bug is doing great. Greater than great. Tuesday's continue to be a struggle but overall, she is doing phenomenal. 

Sissy and Chunk 

We have an interim DCS case manager. I'm really hoping we can keep her. I really like her and she's on top of her stuff but she told me she's temporary. We had a very good meeting a few days ago. Bio m is doing so good!!! I am so proud of her. And to be honest, my heart doesn't even hurt thinking about losing the girls. I'm more excited to be a part of this moms reunification with her girls. I will cry buckets of tears. Especially over loosing Chunk, but not one professional believed in this mom. I did. And I supported her and encouraged her and look at her!!! 6 months of sobriety after 21+ years of substance use. I couldn't be prouder of her!!! So the transition has begun. First, increased visits. I'm excited to see the girls spend more time with her. I'm Chunks attachment figure so it's going to be hard for her. But mom can attach and will attach to her. Sissy will take time. She doesn't trust. It takes time to really understand her and she's been removed 5 times. She's going to need some time to rebuild with her new and improved mom. 

That's the update so far. I'm sure I will have a total meltdown Tuesday morning. For now, one day at a time and I'm giving it to god. 

-K

Is it Monday???

I am a total grump today. I mean grumpy as they come. One of my old neighbors called this morning to inform me of stuff about my old place. How many times do I have to tell her I really don't care and don't want to know. She called 6 times in a row. All 3 kids were melting down, the dogs had socks, and I was trying to get out the door. So you can imagine after the 6th call, I answered a little annoyed. 

The past few nights, I've been having vivid nightmares. Things had gotten better after the move but my brain has been in overdrive with the hearings coming up. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed. As mj as I adore my boyfriend, think the world of him, and cherish our time, he doesn't get this part of my world. I haven't taken the time to fully explain it and he hasn't taken the time to understand it. 

Chunk and Sissy are doing great. Chunk is crawling and pulling herself up to her knees. I love it!!! Their mom is doing even better. I'm so excited to see this happening. My heart will hurt when I lose the girls but I'm so thankful I'm able to be part of their mom doing well. 

Life continues to be a challenge with my mother. People continue to ask questions and I continue to shut people out. I often wonder how long before she just gives up and leaves me alone. I'm her main target right now. Maybe this is the cause of the nightmares increasing. 

Things are going with J. Again, I'm trying to be patient just as he's patient with me. Times like right now, I'd love to just say f it and get the heck out of town. It looks like it will be another 6-8 months before the adoption process will be final if severance happens. Patience..... 

Good thing this gal came home. I'm getting daily horse time again. 

-K

2015

This year I became a parent. I am a mother of three incredible children. 

This year I became single. My heart was shattered beyond repair. Or so I thought. 

This year I went into hiding. The move has created "my mother" to have yet another psychotic break. Yay!!! 

This year I put myself before my job. Social work has been put on the back burning and family is out front. 

This year, I have fallen in love. Still hard to admit and even harder to mutter. But it's true.

This year, I have learned to say sorry and move forward. Enough said. 

This year, I have made the decision to stop the pain and cut ties. 

This has been an amazing year for me. I have grown more as a person I thought was possible. My blessings have out weighed every single challenge in my life. I cannot wait to see what the next year has in store for me. 

-K

Visit Hearing and Move Day

The visit hearing was a nightmare. I testified for 45 minutes. Moms attorney argued I am not qualified to be assessing if a child has behaviors after a visit. 1) I'm a parent 2) I was a child and family therapist specializing in DCS children 3) I taught child focused social service courses. I think I got this dumb ass. One question that circles my brain. "Why didn't you request therapy for her?" Well, hmmmm.... Considering she only knew two or three words when this all began might be your first clue... What an idiot. He said he didn't know if the hearing even though it was set 3 months ago. The judge wants to come back in January to give him more time. Bs.... 

We are officially moved into our new place. Holy cow, I could sleep for a week. The only boxes left are holding my books. I need to go pick up a few bookshelves. The girls love it here. I can hear their giggles from upstairs. They should be sleeping. Chunk is up in her knees almost crawling. With carpet, she'll take off. My neighbors are great. We're right up against a river. In Arizona, we don't typically have water in our rivers. And also right around the corner from a park. There's a really nice running path behind my house as well. This was a good move in many ways for us. I need to pull out some plants that are toxic but other than that, we're doing great here. I'm very thankful I had help unloading the uhaul even though the people that helped stressed me out. My uhaul went missing for 4 hours full of the girls belongings. Turns out the football game was on... This did not make me happy. I had a short window of time to get moved and somewhat functional before the sisters got back from visit. That didn't happen due to the football game. Boys... 

Happy holidays!!!

-K