2015

This year I became a parent. I am a mother of three incredible children. 

This year I became single. My heart was shattered beyond repair. Or so I thought. 

This year I went into hiding. The move has created "my mother" to have yet another psychotic break. Yay!!! 

This year I put myself before my job. Social work has been put on the back burning and family is out front. 

This year, I have fallen in love. Still hard to admit and even harder to mutter. But it's true.

This year, I have learned to say sorry and move forward. Enough said. 

This year, I have made the decision to stop the pain and cut ties. 

This has been an amazing year for me. I have grown more as a person I thought was possible. My blessings have out weighed every single challenge in my life. I cannot wait to see what the next year has in store for me. 

-K

Visit Hearing and Move Day

The visit hearing was a nightmare. I testified for 45 minutes. Moms attorney argued I am not qualified to be assessing if a child has behaviors after a visit. 1) I'm a parent 2) I was a child and family therapist specializing in DCS children 3) I taught child focused social service courses. I think I got this dumb ass. One question that circles my brain. "Why didn't you request therapy for her?" Well, hmmmm.... Considering she only knew two or three words when this all began might be your first clue... What an idiot. He said he didn't know if the hearing even though it was set 3 months ago. The judge wants to come back in January to give him more time. Bs.... 

We are officially moved into our new place. Holy cow, I could sleep for a week. The only boxes left are holding my books. I need to go pick up a few bookshelves. The girls love it here. I can hear their giggles from upstairs. They should be sleeping. Chunk is up in her knees almost crawling. With carpet, she'll take off. My neighbors are great. We're right up against a river. In Arizona, we don't typically have water in our rivers. And also right around the corner from a park. There's a really nice running path behind my house as well. This was a good move in many ways for us. I need to pull out some plants that are toxic but other than that, we're doing great here. I'm very thankful I had help unloading the uhaul even though the people that helped stressed me out. My uhaul went missing for 4 hours full of the girls belongings. Turns out the football game was on... This did not make me happy. I had a short window of time to get moved and somewhat functional before the sisters got back from visit. That didn't happen due to the football game. Boys... 

Happy holidays!!!

-K

Initial Severance Hearing

⬆️ yup. That's where i am in life. I have been here many times before. I hope to never return. 

Today was the day! Court day! I hoped and prayed bio mom would do the right thing and relinquish but I knew she wouldn't. Off to trial we go mid February. So maybe our trip to Montana and Colorado to meet the boys parents will be a celebration as well. One can hope. She was a mess. Bio. Higher than a kite. Literally skipping and running the long hall in the court house. WTF.... 

Today was a tough day. A very very busy day at work. I called my supervisor around 130 and frequently after that for assistance with a crazy admission. She called me back at 530 as I rushed across town for this same family in crisis. She said she would be right there. I had to leave at 545 to get back to the daycare by 630. For some reason crisis calls are always on the other side of town. She text at 555 saying she was 20 minutes away. I was not on call. In fact, she was. She would not answer the on call phone so k was next in line. I will not let a family suffer. I had literally walked into the daycare to get the girls when I got the call. My heart hurt but I knew I needed to go to this family. Literally a life or death situation. I work hospice. I was 2 hours late picking up the girls by my standards and 4 minutes by their standards. This will be the last time my job ever comes before my girls. 

I expressed my frustration to my boss. She had an attitude with me. We will be reviewing my contract that has it written in about parenting time and my children coming before my job. A coworker who is social work part time called and asked if it was a slow day around 4. She said she had seen my boss at the movies. Not. A. Happy. Camper.... 

Such is life folks. We have a visit hearing Tuesday to suspend visits. I'm praying it goes through. Bug came home colored in hearts Tuesday after visit. She has sensitive skin to begin with but freaks out when things cannot be washed off. This wasn't washable marker... Good times. 

-K

Holy stress balls!!!!

This has by far been the hardest parenting day I have ever experienced. And keep in mind the baby came to me on drugs. 

When I picked up the girls from pre-k and daycare, sissy was having a fit. It continued in the truck, on the way home, and carried on at home. I sat her down and talked to her which typically works. Nope. Screamed in my face. She got put in a sit down till you calm down time out. 30 minutes later she was starting to quiet down so I went to try to talk to her. She slapped me across the face. I sent her to her room for a real time out. She continued to trash the room and scream. I eventually sent her to bed. I put her to bed over 100 times. I'm exhausted. She had no nap today and no nap affects her but this was bad. 

Somewhere in the midst of putting her back to bed, Bug ate dinner and Chunk fell asleep eating in her highchair. Mom.of.the.year..... Seriously. Tonight was so hard. 

On top of sissy coming out of her shell, I have my midterm paperwork for my license, we're moving in one week (yup, you heard me and I have yet to find help), work is insane, and I have two holiday parties, Christmas pictures, have to buy new furniture, win the lottery, go Christmas shopping, take Christmas pictures and send out Christmas cards and so so much more little things in between. My life is insane right now. 

Oh!!! And court is Friday and I was just told today that I will have to testify. Agh!!!!! 

We will survive and we will come out on top smiling. 

-K 

Amazing things can happen

My nephew has major surgery tomorrow. He has achondroplasia and they are going to be placing rods in his back. He will spend multiple weeks in the hospital and will not be able to be back at school until January. He typically struggles with surgery. They have challenges intabating and extabating him. He's typically on a ventilator for a longer period of time than a typical child. He's scared, my family is scared, his mom is horrified. Please keep C in your prayers. This kid needs a break... 

I recently packed a box of goodies for him to open in the hospital. To hopefully make it a touch better. One thing this kiddo has taught me is that amazing things can happen. He tells my sister that all the time. So as I strolled through toys r us the other day, tears filled my eyes as I heard his little voice saying amazing things can happen. I watched people picking out toys for Christmas and birthdays and couldn't help but watch their choices. Maybe the cheapest or most expensive. Maybe the top of the line or something that was requested. I was searching for something he could use while hooked to traction. Something that he wouldn't have to sit up to play with. Something that wouldn't require too much skill or dexterity. It hit me as I packed his box. This could be the last hospital care package I send. I wish I was a better aunt to him. He deserves so much more. 

Please pray for my amazing nephew. 

K 

The girlies

I don't typically put Chunk to sleep like this. Once a week I will rock her to sleep. The feeling you get from this is incredible. I love love love rocking her to sleep. She's catching up but we're still delayed with speech and some developmental stuff. We'll get there though. 

Sissy has officially ended her honeymoon period. She hits a lot. She's been by a lot so it's her learned behavior when she gets angry. She has a really hard time with time out and recovering from being angry or sad. It takes her a good hour to recover. As of right now, she's refusing to go on visit tomorrow. I'm hoping a good nights sleep will change her attitude a little bit. Or give me some energy to battle this again tomorrow. 

Bug is absolutely loving having Sissy in the house. She adores her. I have to remind her to give her some space. They have had a few typical siblings disagreements but they get over it quickly. Unless Sissy has timeout. See above. We have court for Bug on Friday. It's the initial severance hearing. This will give bio mom the chance to relinquish her rights. I know she won't. So, we being the long trudge through mud. The hearing to cancel visits will be in two weeks. 

And then there's this guy.... How in the world did I get so lucky with him. He is truly phenomenal and knows me like the back of his hand already. We had a coffee date before the FRCB the other day and he brought his son. So the introducing the kids begins. His son isn't even two yet, so we're starting slow. 😁 

More soon, I'm sure. 

-K

The Holiday Season has Begun

The holidays have always been a rough time of the year for me. It's when everything fell apart growing up. The abuse was usually at its worst. The stress was always high. It's also when I was kidnapped. Holidays are always rough for me. 

I thought being a mom, things would be different. This is my first thanksgiving as a mom. The girls and I had a good day. We have Chunks sister and she's as sweet as can be. I cooked them a nice dinner. The elf on the shelf left them a surprise after bed. We watched movies and read books and I put the girls down. And then the tears just started coming out of no where. 

I had another hard conversation today with someone I treasure. This person asked how my mother was and I just was tired of lying. So I told her the total truth. I'm so tired of having to continue to tell the story or come clean to people about her. When does this end??? 

I honestly thought holidays would start to get easier. I miss my family so much. The trauma and the memories do not fade. It's learning to live with them. Sometimes, I just break. I cannot always be strong. Maybe it's court coming up. Or maybe it's just the season, but tonight I cannot be strong. 

-K

Tomorrow is a new day...

I'm so tired of this saying. I've said it to myself a million times over the past few years. I'm tired of saying and hearing it. 

I need to make changes in our lives. For myself and the girls. I've let the stress and anxiety of being a foster parent in limbo of severance and adoption take my focus away from the girls. I've let dating interfere with being a mom. Even though I don't go out often, it's obvious enough when your 2 year old asks if you're going on a date... I've let my job creep into my home life again. 

I need to refocus my energy. I sat back and looked at my yard today... I haven't even been doing yard work, which is something I have always enjoyed. 

Today, I have started to realize that I can only be so much and do so much. I need to come first. If I don't care for myself, I cannot care for my girls. 

It's very hard for me to sit back and give it to God... I need to have some control of my life but that's what I've done with J. I'm tired of hearing "I miss you" all the time. Well, I'm here... I haven't gone anywhere. We live a half hour away from each other and you would think we live towns apart. I'm tired of putting so much into something I don't think his heart is ready for. I'm going to "set him free" just as soon as I figure out how to do that since I never see him. 

I'm going to take better care of myself. My children. My home. My animals. My friendships. I'm going to work towards my goals. I'm going to set new goals. I'm ready to start fresh and remind myself what life is all about. 

I got this. Because right now will never happen again. 

-K

Trial

Court was a circus involving the police, again. We go to trial in December. 

Bio M brought someone, who is her cousin in laws mother, who wants to adopt Bug. My eyes welled with tears and I bit my lip and dug my fingernails into my palm to prevent the tears from flowing. 

Visits were not suspended due to the therapist not finishing her paperwork. We all know the results of the pcra but because she didn't finish her paperwork, Bug will suffer. A hearing to cancel visits is 4 days after the trial.... Does that make sense? 

On the way to court, 145, I got a call to come and get her. She was screaming so loud I could hear her and the administrator was two rooms away. My heart absolutely broke. I had to be in court. The administrator rocked her until I got done and to them at 330. I am in debt to them. She was dropped off from visit at 130. The judge way told this. Still. Visits continue. 

For obvious reasons,bi bolted the second the judge ended the hearing. The second I made it out of the building, the tears just came and wouldn't stop. A few friends asked how it went and I relayed. Some didn't understand which made it harder for me to explain. 

My heart hurts. For so many reasons. Because I wasn't strong enough to be the foster parent I hoped I could be. Because I cannot lose her. Because the unknown which could be a reality is more terrifying than what my nightmares have ever dreamed up. I may return home without my child who formed attachments with my father, brother and sister. How do you even explain this to family.... 

What did I get myself into. 

-K 

19 hours 22 minutes. But whose counting...

Tomorrow's the day. No one is going with me. Long story. Don't feel like sharing it. I took the day off from work. My boss was gracious enough to cover my calls and do a visit for me. Tomorrow's hearing will be the start to a potentially long trudge through mud. The judge may not even decide tomorrow if she accepts the change to the case plan. The judge may give her more time. 

Today has been really rough. A new worker in her preschool asked if she had a visit today. In front of Bug. She didn't know any better. I was back to pick her up by 1130. My patience is worn thin as my thoughts are like a tornado in my head about tomorrow. I want what is best for Bug. What's best for Bug is to reunify with her biological parent. She needs to be with the person she has formed that crucial attachment to. Unfortunately, that person is unable to put her own needs aside right now. 

So here we are. Hours away from a pivotal point in her state custody. I'm a nervous wreck. An emotional wreck. Stay tuned.... 

-K 

A little bit of everything

Friend boy 

I'm at that point with J that is either going to make or break us. He is an incredible father. I love this about him. He and his ex share custody. When he is with his kids, he is with his kids. He doesn't make time for me at all. I feel very selfish saying that. It's to the point that he won't even return a call or text for 5-6 hours. HELLO INSECURITIES!!!! I always have my girls. Always. I always make time for him. I'm trying to stop. Monday, I rescheduled a dentist appointment for the baby so I could see him. Stupid. I shouldn't have done it. But I rescheduled it for Tuesday. He thanked me but he would never do anything like that. He can't even return a text... So when is enough, enough. I've decided that when i pick the girls up after school until the time they go to bed, my phone will be plugged in, in the other room. It will be good for me and the girls. My focus will be where it needs to be. J can wait. Just like I wait for him.  

I don't know how to date. I don't know how to be in a relationship with someone like him. But to add it all up and include the fact that I'm a single parent, it's all just a huge clusterf&@k. I should have waited until I moved. I've put a timeline on it. If life still looks like this at the end of the year, I'm going to cut my losses and bow out. My heart will absolutely be broken. At that point, it will be easier to go through a heart break than to continue to wonder why he doesn't want to be with me as much as I want to be with him. Do not get me wrong. I am fine with not seeing him daily. But I would like to see him more than every other week....  And I would like him to put some effort into this other than just talk. He's a good talker. That's for sure.... 

What is a mother? 

In the past few weeks, I have had lots of challenges. More than normal. I've had many times where I hurt, a lot, from my mother's actions. How could she have just walked away like that?? I am her only child that stuck by her side. And she walked away from me. Sometimes, when Bug calls me mom, I have a hard time hearing it because I have an image of my mother. I don't want to feel like that. How does this woman continue to find ways to hurt me. One of my sisters yelled at me not too long ago. About this actually. She said I'm allowing her to hurt me. I keep thinking about it. I don't know how to stop allowing her to hurt me. I'm hoping when I start my life without her, things will look different. I'm hoping... 

Little Man 

My friends J and T had their first placement who was little man. He was 5. I connected with him quickly and developed a strong bond with him. His uncle became placement in Ohio. A few weeks later, they sent him back with his sisters. He was back in a group home. I've requested to adopt him. His current adoptions worker is trying to push a family member to take all 3 children. The family only wants the little ones. So I'm waiting. Trying to be patient. But I sit and wait.... 

-K 

Dependency review

Today was the day I learned the truth about Chunks case. I wasn't nervous at all. I know she is not a permanent placement. I have felt it in my heart since day one. I was able to meet mom and give her a hug. She's doing amazing. I met the other foster moms, the legal team, and the ICWA rep, and we went inside. 

Moms doing amazing. We are so proud of her. She's still in rehab though. What is life going to look like when she has all the reality of the real world hitting her. Right now, everyone is bending over backwards for her (including me, I recently sent my only stroller to her so Chubk could have something to sit in). She is not doing anything but services. We're all providing food, placement, and a roof over her head. The visits were changed from twice a week to once a week. So now, on Sunday's, chunk is gone for 6 hours between transport and the visit. The judge ordered another visit. This is a lot for a baby... Last Sunday was the first extended visit and Chunk was disregulated. Her schedule and routine were thrown off. She had one bottle in that 6 hours. No breakfast and no lunch, even though I sent it. And no nap. She was so overtired that she wouldn't nap for me. As luck had it, right as I was getting into our bedtime routine, I received a crisis admission for work and had to get a sitter. When I got home at 930 she was wide awake playing. Bedtime for her is 6. I want mom to have visits. Please don't get me wrong. But let's take a look on how it affects the children. 

The facility mom is in allows the children to move in at some point. The discussion has already begun about Chunk moving in. I completely, 100% disagree with this. It's ine thing to prove sobriety in a treatment facility but what happens when you leave?? She has a 15 year use history with multiple failed treatment episodes. I want to see her succeed. I don't think this is setting her up for success. We're pushing her to fail. I've seen it, professionally, many times. But what do I know... 

The other discussion, moving the girls into a home together. Why would we disrupt both girls to move them to gather just to disrupt again to move them with mom... If little man doesn't work out, I'm going to ask to have her sister placed with me. 

My heart hurts... I know she's not a forever placement but it's becoming real that I won't have her forever. What's it going to be like not having a cuddle buddy in the middle of the night for feedings. :/ I'm going to experience my first foster heartbreak. 

-K

6 days 18 hours

We're in the final week. This permanency hearing will hopefully result in the acceptance of the change of the case plan to severance and adoption for Bug. From there, we will have court in one month. In that time, her mother will have to decide wether to relinquish her rights or go to trial. From the letter she wrote today, I'm sure we will be going to trial which will probably be another 3 months out. 

Today is Tuesday. Tuesday's are visit days. As y'all know, mom is not allowed to feed her. I got a call about Bug having diarrhea and a very sore bottom a few hours after visit. The first thing I did was smell the cup and check the bag. Sure enough, she was given something I didn't provide. Food and juice. She's had an upset belly most of the night. Just resting on the couch. How many times does the visit aide have to be told... How many times does the mother have to be told... This child should not have to go through this. 

Tomorrow is Chunks first dependency review. I have no idea what's going to happen. I get different stories from every member in the team and the attorney never bothered to come by. I did find out mom had her first two children severed and this is the 5th dependency for her. 2nd for Chunk. 

In the past few weeks, more and more developmental concerns are coming about. Verbally, she is very behind. She talks a little but not much at all. She never mimics and doesn't talk back when someone talks to her. She's now rocking. Rocking so hard that if I don't hold the bumbo, she will tip it over. She's banging her head in the ground or into people. I have to pick her up or change her position to get her to stop. Pain doesn't stop her. All of this because someone wanted to get high, buzzed, drunk, stoned... Ugh. 

So, we continue to move forward. My little family of three. I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. 

-K 

Pneumonia

I've been sick for two weeks. I felt like I was on my death bed for the first week. No joke. High fevers. No sleep. Horrible cough. Short of breath. Plus two babies. Death bed. Turns out I have pneumonia. How in the heck did my body manage that??? So because I'm on a thousand antibiotics and steroids, I'm an emotional mess. Great timing because courts right around the corner. 13 days, 22 hours. Two more visits... 

Due to me being an emotional mess, I've spent too much money. Cried too much. And contemplated the point to dating. Seriously... What is the point of dating as a single mom. I never see him. It's either me or him that's busy. We talk all the time but I have friends. So what would be easier? Running through the course of a heartbreak (yup, I fell for him [smack forehead now]) and move on or continue to feel frustrated daily because the one guy that actually makes you happy isn't there. 

My friends were funny when I was dying. I got a lot of, "J's taking care of you, right?" Uh yeah... Right. Because I want this guy, whom I adore, bringing his babies into my germ infested house to take care of me. I actually had to beg for a friend to take my kid for a few hours. Beg... That's how sick I was. 

So still, here I am. An emotional mess. I need to run. I need a really hard run and an ass kicking workout. Wait... I can't breathe if I talk more than ten words at a time, can you imagine me trying to run a few miles. 

So I sit here and pout. I'm caught up on missing a week of work. I've actually somehow worked my way ahead. My house is clean. I'm short of breath. Emotional. Want my boyfriend and my kids and a run. Pouting... 

I took the girls to the pumpkin patch for the first time. It was my first along with theirs. Such a sweet experience! Comical as well. I decided to wear Chunk while finding two pumpkins with my toddler while I can't breathe. I think my friends just about had a heart attack. During this, I realized, I have never carved a pumpkin. Of course Google and Pinterest will help me, but how silly is that!!? I have never carved a pumpkin.... Which led me to think about holiday traditions. I'm getting ready to start my first holiday as a mom. I'm super excited to begin traditions but I don't know what. So many firsts for my little family. 

I'm hoping to hear more on little man tomorrow and than I will share. It will either be good or better. 

-K

Please stop telling my daughters they are pretty.

The societal views of women will forever be whatever mainstream media portrays. Currently, we see theKardashians, movie stars slathered in makeup, models too thin, even news anchors with their hair teased, makeup on perfectly, white teeth, and dressed like a star. I typically roll out of the house with my hair a mess, jeans, sandals, and t-shirt. Maybe I remembered mascara today. Probably not. Do I feel bad about my self? Yup. Do I wish I were prettier, skinnier, had more money for expensive clothing? Of course!!! Thank you society!!! 

I cannot go anywhere with my girls without hearing how cute they are. Please don't get me wrong. My girls are gorgeous!!! They also have so many other incredible things about them. Bug: loving, patient (at times), kind, sweet, caring, smart, athletic, the best big sister you will find, an animal lover, intuitive... I could go on for days. Chunk: happy, loving, snuggley, patient, kind, understanding, resilient, plucky... Again, I could go on for a while. I want my girls to hear good things about them. I want them raised knowing that what's inside is much more important than looks. I don't care what you look you, if you have a rotten soul, I'm walking away. 

Please, let's start acknowledging true compliments in our children. Don't get me wrong, I do tell my girls they are pretty, cute, and beautiful and of course many other adjectives but what they hear most from me is soul and character descriptive words. 

My heart broke when my daughter asked for makeup, then proclaimed "i pretty now mamma?" This was the last time she has seen me put makeup on. After a few months of strength building, my two year old says "I nice mamma." Or she will squeal "I smart," when she's accomplished a challenge. 

Let's change our way of thinking, doing, and communicating to build a stronger future. Just a thought, don't tell me or my girls were pretty, find another word. 

-K 

20 days 20 hours

In 20 days and 20 hours we will have our final permanency hearing. At least this is what I'm told. 

A week from Friday, bio was arrested outside her daycare for selling drugs. Let me set this up for you. I live far one side of the desert and she lives central. No busses come close to my area. The daycare is in the middle of a neighborhood and near a school. She and the offender, were outside her daycare with suspicion of selling drugs. She shouldn't know which daycare she goes to but she might. Why was she there? Coincidence? Do I disrupt her learning environment she just became comfortable in? Ugh.... Visits resumed as normal though... Well, we all got sick so today she saw her for the first time in two weeks. Man it's been a trip today... 

Last week was a tough week for us. Spreading germs and lots of interesting stuff going on. It's amazing how many friends say they will help if you need it but when you really need it, no one is around. Single parenting with the flu is no joke. Last Thursday, I had both girls in urgent care with fevers and pink eye. The doctor couldn't squeeze us in so off we went. That was a all afternoon adventure. I sat in the pharmacy with two screaming kids for another hour just to be told it would take an additional hour. I went home to find a main water line had burst. Fed the girls while the pipe was being fixed and back to the pharmacy. I put Bug in one of those carts with the ar attached to keep her busy. Chunk was sitting up front with her crusty eye. (Don't worry moms, I washed the cart down when I got them out.) Well, guess who decided this would be a great time to poop, then dig, paint, and pick her nose with the hand she dug with??? It was around 8pm by this time. I was exhausted and had a rough day. I needed some info on the home I'm renting from my god mother. I called her and she didn't answer. So I called my mother was was living with her. She changed her number. And moved. To Ohio. Never said a word to me. 

I know. I know. But it hurt. It hurt a lot. I told a friend and her response was wow. I told another and she was supportive but I think I needed J in that moment but I still haven't told him about her. The next morning my poor dad got an ear full and then got me bawling my eyes out. He's the only one that knows how hurtful she can be but even he never expected this.  I was the only one of her kids that stood by her side for so long. Now she's on to a new family. 

So how do I tell J about her? How do you even start the conversation? So, sit. Let's chat about my mom who goes out of her way to hurt her children. Let's talk about her psych issues. Let's talk about my nightmares and flashbacks. Let's talk about the abuse and neglect.... I don't even want to go here. 

Last week I was only able to work one full day. I haven't worked since Thursday around noon. I ended up with kid germs and got the smack down. I'm still not cleared to see patients but I can go back and do paperwork. I've watched so much tv, I'm thinking about cancelling my cable. I am craving a run and a hard workout. 

Until next time. 

Get the flue shot! Trust me on this one. It's no fun!! 

-K

Severance and Friend Boy

Seriously blogger.... I just wrote for 20 minutes and the app shuts down. Ugh. 

Anyhow... 

Friday morning our favorite DCS cm came by for our monthly visit. Court is in about 5 weeks. My anxiety is already building. I know he will be writing the court report soon and be recommending either more time or severance. I really wanted to ask him what he was going to recommend but I had a rough week with the friend boy and making my circle smaller (more on that later) that I could not take one more hit that week. As he was walking out, he reached and patted my back and let me know he would be requesting severance. 

Up until last court hearing, I truly felt for the mom. I believed in her ability to change for Bug and I encouraged her to do everything she needed to do as often as I could. This all came to a sudden stop when she made a very poor choice that dramatically affected Bugs functioning. At that point, I washed my hands of her. I can no longer support and encourage a person who continues to harm my child. 

Cut to Monday morning. I'm finally allowing myself to feel it. My heart is overflowing. Monday was one of those days I stopped and reflected. How truly blessed I am!! I have two healthy and smart little babies to love, requesting adoption of a precious little man (more on that too soon), I have my health, and incredibly kind, gentle, loving, and forgiving friend boy/boy friend, and a family to die for amongst so many other things. I truly am lucky. I have come so far in life and it is my time to feel the positives and hopefully rid the spell of having the worst luck imaginable. 

We go to court in less than 5 weeks. My anxiety is already insane. If I think about it, I cry. The what ifs continue to be so great. I've worked this broken system long enough to know what can happen. I will not sit through another hearing without support of my own. I plan on bringing someone with me. I've asked friend boy and he said he would but I'm not sure if he truly gets what he's getting himself into. I've talked about her to him. He hasn't met her yet. We've got attachment issues and challenges with adult men still so I'm holding off. Plus, we need to figure each other out first before we involve the children. I have my BFF I can bring and I know she would come if I asked her but she is a single mom and I really don't want her missing work. We shall see who I finally bring... 

Next! Friend boy <3 <3 

I have been seeing J for a few months now. He is incredibly patient with me and my mounds of insecurities. Every time I try and push him away, he pulls me in closer and holds me tighter. This man is truly a god send. He is kind and loving. Funny and sweet. A little bit of a dork and I am falling hard for him. Last week, a friend tried to create some issues and I'm not quite sure why but I let her get in my head. I decided I was done with J. I was going to walk away and cut my losses. When she told me, I literally could not breathe. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. She kept pushing the issue to. In the middle of my work day the next day, she created more issues. I was just about ready to walk in and see a patient who was actively dying and she sent another loaded text. I sat outside and tried to catch my breath. I couldnt focus. I was shaking. My heart was broken. History was repeating itself. My first thought was, "why am I never enough?" I started self doubting, ripping my self apart, and all my demons about who I was told I was for many years by other men and my own mother were screaming. I did not have the time for this. I was done. I should never had started dating. I was 100% honest with him and how it made me feel about what I was being told. I went for a run. I could barely get a mile in. I sat down by the lake and continued to try to clear my head. It seemed like eternity before I could pull myself together to drive home. I should have trusted my gut. My friend had other motives and I was in the wrong for not trusting who I should have trusted in the first place. I hurt J, he will never admit it, but I'm sure I did. I was pretty saucy and direct. I don't have time for bs and honestly, I was looking for a way out anyways. Falling in love again is absolutely terrifying!!! He did what he does best. He pulled me back in, held me tighter, and loved me more. Every single morning, this man writes me a little love text. Sometimes I beat him to it depending on Chunks wake up schedule but not usually. How in the world did I get so lucky??? He calls me his Wonder Woman but honestly, he's my super hero for teaching me to love and trust again. 

More on Chunk and Little Man later. I need to go wrestle a post visit toddler and give cuddles and kisses until she can't take it anymore. 

-K 

How does she know???

I recently sat down for lunch with an old friend. For the past 20 plus years, I have attached onto older women I have looked up to as a motherly figure. She was one of them but she didn't truly know who I was. Ive been coming clean with people. You see, for so many years I led the life of an all American young lady. People believed I am whole and pure. They believed I came from a loving and healthy home with a great parent raising me. Dispelling this myth has been hard and I have received some hurtful statements through it but I have been pushing forward. Ive had people tell my story for me and it makes me incredibly angry. I cant say why. Maybe because its my story to tell or because, some people aren't ready to hear it. Telling one friend at a time, who I am and where I come from. My story.

I believe my mother is very mentally ill. She does not believe it and she will never change. One of her diagnosis I think she has is borderline personality disorder. I have been trained in diagnosing when no psychiatrist is involved and this is what I would diagnose her. I will not work with people with Borderline personality D/O. In fact, I will run the other way.

When I sat down with my friend and told my story. She told me hers. She told me more than I was ready to share with her but our stories are the same. How in the world did she peg me??? The difference is, she lived with someone like my mother for many years and dealt with the emotional and psychological trauma that comes along with it. She is a survivor and has been able to move past it.

I am a true believer in things happen for a reason. I haven't spent quality time with this wonderful person in many years until last Saturday. I needed to hear her story and see her survive. I was at the point, I wasn't sure if I was going to ever break away from the psychological damage that has been done. There is hope and I have found it. I need to continue to move forward and continue to change.

-K

Chunk

I have had Chunk for about a month now.  She came to me on meth. She was 3 months old. Oh my goodness, that first weekend was really rough on all of us. Not only did she have meth in her, she had open bleeding sores on her bottom. It made the urgent care doctor cry. When she wasn't screaming, she had no facial expressions. Prenatally, she was exposed to benzos, meth, cocaine, alcohol, and marijuana. This was the second dependency for her for the 4th for the other children. 

The next two weeks were better but still a challenge. Her mom wouldn't change her during visit or would give her the wrong formula. She would come back with he sores reopened and a bellyache. She would also come back with a flat affect. I would have to fight to keep her awake. 

She's doing amazing now. I found out today she will be long term. She's native but the tribe has no placement appropriate for her. Developmentally, se has drastically caught up. She can hold her head up now, roll to the side, smile, babble, laugh, and she rarely cries. She recognizes me now so when I go pick her up after work, she is all smiles. 

I'm so so so proud of her mom. She entered detox on Friday and will begin a residential rehabilitation program after detox. I foster because I believe people can change. I'm excited to see her work so hard right off the bat. 

I couldn't imagine my life without Chunk at this point. I love every second of having her as does Bug. I even love our middle of the night feedings. She's so cute!!! She refuses to open her eyes. She will winter until I give her a bottle and then sleep eats. She loves having her chunky cheeks played with. If you giggle her chin she will laugh. I know she will return home. And it's going to hurt. But this time j have with her has been amazing!!! 

What an incredible journey this has been so far!! 

-K 

Makes me think.

I remember the day this picture was taken. I don't have many memories as a child and most are bad. J and K are on either side of me. My big toe poking out always makes me laugh. The carpet. Oh goodness, the carpet. You can see the littlest part of T and that's when it comes flooding back.

K's face tells a story. It wasn't a good afternoon. We didn't keep the house clean enough and T was held responsible. Shortly before this picture,  I was holding onto her leg. Hugging her as tight as I could. I was afraid to look at her face. I knew though. She had sunglasses on. I knew. K was the only one who didn't pretend to be happy. J was always happy. Always trying to make light of what was happening. Always trying to distract. I was the baby. I hid. A lot. 

When I went home last month, my dad and I talked for a long time. We talked about the past. The day I was taken. The years after. I told my story and he told his. We both cried. It was so hard to see my dad cry. Something he told me hurt pretty bad. It hurt the little girl in me and then I hurt for my sisters. 

Going home has made me realize who family is. I spent an afternoon at K's house with her family. I have never met them before. She has two little girls and a husband. It was a very uncomfortable situation. She wasn't kind to me or Bug. I was out of place and I wanted to go home to my dads. I did it for my dad though. It helped me realize, that part of my life is over and I can move forward. Biologically, T and K are my sisters. Realistically, we are strangers. Circumstances, beyond our control, have driven us apart. We are all too hurt and damaged to move forward as a family. We are surviving how we know best. Protect our children and our hearts because life can be cruel. 

My dad told me, the day I was taken, my sisters were babysitting me. T had to go to run out so K and J were suppose to watch me. She came up the drive and they ran into the woods and hid. They left me in the house because I was too loud. I don't even remember the last time. It's all a blur. Hearing this from my dad hurt that little girl in me. But hearing this made me understand why they have pushed me so far away for so long. They have guilt in them. I need to eventually say I forgive them. And I do. I hold no grudges. I am happy with who I am and where I am in life. I have always wanted to show them who I am. I was hoping they would be proud of me. Even as an adult I hoped for this. But this last trip home made me realize that two of my sisters are not my sisters. I can move forward. It was closure for me. 

I have chosen to move. I need a fresh start and I need my family. I want my dad to have an opportunity to be a grandfather. I want Bug to have a grandparent and an uncle. She attached quickly to both of them. It looks like adoption is in our near future. Her mom is messing up pretty bad. Once the adoption is finalized and we figure out what Chunks plan is, we will move. 

I need this. I need this so bad. 

-K 

When you think you have life figured out.

Just when I thought I had my life all figured out, it got turned upside down. Not in a bad way I suppose but frustrating. 

Since my dad's heart attack, I planned on moving home. My dad held me off since he would be moving to Tennessee. He found a house and he and my brother are moving soon. When I went home in July, watching my dad and brother with bug filled my heart. I want her to have a grandparent and uncle in her life. I cannot give her either in tucson. So my decision was to wait it out here with bug. If I adopt, we will move. If she reunifies, I will need my family and I will move. Either way, the move was imminent. 

After much harassing from friends and family, I decided to start to date again. I needed to allow my heart the opportunity to heal from E. I joined a dating site. I shot down every single guy that messaged me. I found reasons why they wouldn't work. I just wasn't into it. A profile caught my eye and he had a fun cannonball picture. Who doesn't love a good cannon ball??? I messaged him and we have since been talking all day everyday and seeing each other sometimes twice a day. 

He is wonderful. He is kind and loving. He is a great father. He showers me with compliments and is constantly giving me affection and praise. This is the man I have waited my whole life for. And I'm talking myself out of it. I'm constantly fighting falling for him. I'm fighting his kind words. I'm fighting his loving gestures. My brain is trying to figure out a way out of this. I don't want to hurt him. I need to move. I need to be with family. I have no one here but my friends. And let's be honest. I adore my friends but holidays and other events, you want family. You don't want to be hanging out with someone else's family. When I am with him, I am so happy. So so happy. When I'm not, I'm like a wild horse backed in a corner. I need to find a way out. 

I'm a hospice social worker now. This week has been tough. Tonight my work phone rang as I was thinking of my dad, the move, and my friend boy. I answered it only because I was waiting for this call. I talked to a man bawling his eyes out for 30+ minutes. I had to explain his only parent is dying and is ready to let go. Is this a sign? Is this a push to move? The call has taken the life out of me tonight. It was rough. I cried after I hung up with him. Man, I'm starting to sound like a cry baby.... 

What in the world did I get myself into.  I refuse to choose. My dad will always win. My friends keep saying to relax and just enjoy day by day. But this guy is in it for the long haul. He's not going anywhere and I don't want to hurt him and I do not want my children to meet him just for me to take him away. The same for his babies. I don't want them getting hurt either. Perhaps I'm overthinking this but the reality of the situation is if I am planning on moving, the prep should begin now. 

Life....

-K

Court

Here we go again. I'm sitting outside a building with tears streaming down my face because it's just a little too hard right now. 

The judge was pissed. More than pissed. The judge was cursing and yelling in court Monday. A person that has been told is not allowed Bug at all was near her last week and the week before. I told the judge. That same person was in the waiting area of the court house. I told the judge this too. I spoke of the immediate regression of behaviors. The sexualized stuff. The self harming. The verbal and physical aggression. The frequent outbursts. Every single maladaptive behavior we had under control were now ten times worse. The judge flipped. She yelled at mom. She yelled at Dcs. She said if severance were asked she would have granted it. Instead, she granted the change to a concurrent plan. 90 more days for this child to be put through hell. 

Initially, I was supporting the mom the best I could. Through journal entries and positive encouragement. After I found out that man was near Bug, I stopped. My stomach hurts. Literally hurts. She has made her choice. The judge put a restraining order on him and told her he has to go. She never flinched. Never cried. Never emotionally responded. In fact, she smirked at one point. My professionalism is quickly disappearing and I don't have my licensing worker to lean on. I have a stand in... 

So here I sit. The parent child relationship therapy has begun with Bug. I walked her in and she saw mom. She dug her fingernails into my chest and started crying. Then she took her from me when her name was called by the therapist. She screamed and cried. I blew her a kiss and quickly walked out. Two more times. We have to do this two more times. My heart is absolutely broken. So I sit here and cry. Not because I'm weak but because I have been far too strong for far too long. 

-K 

Permanency Hearing

The day is here. I'm sitting in the parking lot. Court starts in 20 minutes. The dcs cm said everyone wants to change the case plan to severance and adoption. He requested a concurrent plan. The what ifs are circling my head. And that list of what ifs is huge. I've worked this field long enough to know what a hearing can do. 

I'm so torn. I want her mom to have a fair opportunity to gain custody of bug. I feel with her mental illness and substance use she hadn't been given a fighting chance. She hasn't been given the tools. She made a pretty poor choice last week that resulted in a significant regression in behaviors with bug. This decision has helped me somewhat think, she just can't do it. She is self sabotaging. 

In my morning staffing with my supervisor I let her know I would be unavailable this afternoon. We briefed the case. She worked in the field too. She set me straight. She knows me well enough to know I walk in others shoes so for me to put my own needs in front of others, it requires Devine intervention. 

The chaplains led me in prayer. Not prayer for favorable outcomes for me but for the judge to make the right decision. I could never do her job. 

But I still sit here with tears streaming down my face. Because the what ifs are far too great. Please send a little prayer our way. 

K-

Dating

I do have placement updates to tell you. I had a 6 month old precious baby for less than a week and now a 3 month old angel. I am in love. My heart will be broken. More on that later. Oh and trip updates. Yikes, I'm behind.

I honestly need suggestions, advice, guidance, whatever it may be. I have decided to date. I am single (This made me giggle when I proof read it. Hopefully I'm single and dating). Very little support. Very few people I trust with the girls. And I'm dating. HOW DOES THIS WORK????

I don't want to leave them but I want to spend time with him. I'm not ready for them to meet or for him to come over after bedtime especially since neither of them sleep through the night.

I met a very very nice guy. This is very new to me. I have never been with a nice guy before. He is kind, loving, showers me with attention and compliments, and is so thoughtful. He remembers things I like and goes out of his way to make me happy. I have always dated the polar opposite. Aggressive, violent, demeaning, insecure, adolescent temper, you name it, that was my man. Its taken me a little while to get use to him but now that I have, I am totally falling for him. When I do fall, I fall hard. I'm trying really hard not to.

I want to see him. Often. But how do I do this? What is the norm? Ugh help....

K-

Disappointment

Is it possible to be disappointed with a typical 19 year old for being age appropriate? All of my baby sister's life, she has been an incredible kid. Respectful, honest, hard working. The past year she has changed a lot. 

My dad had a heart attack last year and she was by his side day in and day out. She really pulled it together and earned a pair of angel wings. Without her and my big brother, my father would be dead. Since his recovery, she has really become more age appropriate. She's drinking at times. Hanging out with her boyfriend all the time. Getting out of responsibilities. Putting friends before family. Having fun. Kicking up her heals. And ignoring her horses.

 

Last December we had made plans for me to come to New York abound the 4th. I wanted a country celebration for independence  day. Something I haven't had for a very long time. We started making plans and continued over the next 7-8 months. 

The time finally came for me to come home. She has been working every day till 1-2 but doesn't come over till around 3. Her horse pens are a total mess. I have spent the week cleaning them and the foal barn out for my dad and brother. Her fillies have barely been touched. They are two months old and barely let you touch them. Her horses are muddy and manes tangeled. Our plans... What plans. 

Today's the 4th. I waited around for her like planned. She didn't come until 1. The baby was down for a nap. She was loud and woke her. It's now around 8 and the baby is down for the night and she is at the races. My hearts a little broken but I keep asking myself. Is it possible to be angry with her for simply acting her age since she has never acted her age before. 

I love her to pieces. I should have just gone out on my own with the baby. Instead I stayed home and scrubbed my dad's old farm buddy and swang on the porch swing with my dad for a few hours. 

Tommorows the day. I will be okay. I'm doing this for my dad. The anxiety will subside and I will go on with my life knowing that I tried for him. 

K 

Making my circle smaller

Once upon a time, I had the perfect friend. We were literally two peas in a pod. Inseparable. I adored her and her daughter. Our friendship fell apart due to my insecurities. I never told her about my first ten years and really didn't let on as anything at home. It's not that I didn't trust her. 

Let me explain. If I told people about my past. It all of a sudden made it real. I was allowing myself to be... Viewed as weak I suppose. I didn't want anyone viewing me as weak. I didn't need pity. I didn't want any of it to be real. I wanted to forget. This all hurt too much but part of it hurt more by keeping the secret. 

The first time I told someone, I was 29 years old. I was driving my friends mom to the airport. I have known this family for 21 years. They are family. She yelled at me for speaking poorly of my mother. It all came out. It was like word vomit. I couldn't stop it. I talked and talked and talked. It took about 40 minutes to get to the airport. When I dropped her off. She looked at me and said "I have known your mother for 19 years. She's not a bad person." That was the last time I ever let anyone close to knowing again. Until a few weeks ago. I do share my experience with students and colleagues but not a soul from my past knows. 

The friendship in which my own insecurities destroyed is in the process of rekindling. I have been putting off telling her. I knew I needed to. I was fearful for so many different reasons. One big reason is her not believing me. Another one, rejection. I invited her to read a recent post I wrote about my past. It was raw but not the worst of the worst. 

She didn't reject me. She believes me. I'm sure she's hurt I didn't tell her but she accepts that the hurt I was feeling was greater. She truly is an amazing person, friend, and mother. 

She shared something with me shortly after we got back in contact. I reached out because I was stressed with all the parenting comments I was getting and she told me to keep my circle small. I listened but I didn't truly hear her. I've had to make some choices in regards to friendships this week that made my circle grow smaller. It hurt my heart and still does. Her insecurities hurt me more though. Looking back and seeing what insecurities can do to someone is astounding. I've been on both ends. It seems to really boil down to trust and communication. Something I struggle with. Both things I am working on. 

My fears are coming back today. I'm sitting at the airport waiting to fly home. My dad has invited all the kids over for my brother's birthday. We will all be together except two of my siblings. I will do what I need to do because I respect my dad more than anything in this world. I'm fearful it won't be easy. But I also think I will be surprised about how easy it will be. 

Until later. 

-K

Side note. This is my first time flying as a mom. I'm a little sad I can't flirt and pick up cute single travelers. Silly I know but oh my goodness. Some of these guys!!! 😍 one day....