I'm a brand new mom. I am not inexperienced. I had guardianship of my friends’ children for a year and I am an expert in the field of children. I’m a child and family therapist and often teach parents the necessary and effective parenting skills. I can hear some of you seasoned parents already saying “It’s not the same.” Trust me, I got this. What I have been challenged with is the comments people have made to me about parenting. The sneers I get from people who know she is not mine. The feelings I have towards her bio mom. The overwhelming sadness and loss I felt leaving her the first time. I’m a new mom, but I’m not.
Unsolicited parenting advice, please take it elsewhere. I always teach my students the difference between giving advice and providing suggestions and support. Advice feels like someone has put me in a chair in the principal’s office and is slamming me with nonconstructive criticism furthering my demise. Suggestions feel like lightbulbs going off. Great ideas and collaboration floating around. Please don’t point your finger and tell me how to do it because I am doing a great job. My best friend is very…. What’s the word I am looking for…. Passive aggressive. I posted a picture of baby M in her car seat with her face covered with a heart for privacy. She wasn’t buckled because I had just put her in and we weren’t moving. Immediately she said, “What made you decide to not buckle her right away?” I chose to ignore her comment. At this point, I made the decision to ignore all parenting comments. I was overwhelmed and at my limits. So, I went on with my day enjoying little M. A few hours later another text came in stating “I hope you’re not mad. I was just curious.” After thinking about it for a second, I remembered 6 months prior when she had her daughter. I remembered her crying to me about the same feelings about people pointing and giving their advice. I reminded her of that. Not pointing fingers but rather saying that’s how I was feeling. It was not directed towards her but at everyone else in my life. I was more reaching out for support. Her response “K, goodnight.” I knew it was about to hit the fan. I love my best friend very much but I also know her flaws and have come to be on the other end of her fury multiple times. About ten minutes later she let me have it. Stating I was a horrible friend and I triggered her and blah, blah, blah. I did what I have done so many times before. I apologized, because that’s what I do. I don’t stand up for myself, I don’t want to ever hurt or make another person feel sad, and I take the easy way out and apologize. I know her so well; I knew exactly what she would do next. She would change her I message settings so I wouldn’t be able to see if she read my message or not. Whatever, I was tired and had an explosion of toys in my house to clean up. I would deal with this later. I didn’t talk to her again for the next few days. A very horrible and frightening thing happened and I reached out for support. I shouldn’t have. Since then, I haven’t heard from her. I remember during PS-MAPP our trainer described his wife cleaning out the friends who didn’t require constant attention. He described it as the energy and attention suckers having to go. Is this what is happening to my friendship? Do I not need a best friend? Or is life changing so I will quire positive friends? Looking back, the situation was ridiculous but it has changed my view of her.
Let’s talk about the feelings for bio mom before things change and I forget how I feel. I never expected to feel the way I do. Working in the field, I feel a lot of disappointment, and anger for the bio parents. There has never been a time where I just out right feel bad for them, yet. When I got baby M, I immediately thought of her mom. Of course I was worried about baby M and how she would adjust, her fear level and such but I knew she was safe with me. I felt so sad for her mom. I cried for her mom. How scared and worried she must feel. Is she okay? Is she sad? Is she safe? I was so confused by how I was feeling. She has a lot of challenges she is about to face and I am so worried she will not be able to do it. The odds are stacked against her. A co-worker recently told me the statistics of how often children are reunifying in my state. It’s not good! It’s around 25%. I am a forever home, regardless of what happens. I want baby M to reunify. It’s her best chance at life. She has a strong bond with mom. I want to help foster this bond and strengthen it. Baby M has her first visit with mom today. Actually, she should be wrapping up in the next ten minutes. I wrote mom a note introducing myself and giving her support. I pray she takes it. I truly do believe in her and want the best for her. The best for her is also the best for baby M. I will be taking baby M to her visits on Fridays so I will be able to meet mom in person. I’m just praying it all goes well. It’s okay if she’s angry with me. It’s okay if she doesn’t like me. As long as she knows I believe in her and am keeping baby M safe, that is all that matters.
I need to find time to write more. I have so much in my mind to share with new foster parents but also scary things that I would like feedback on. I see people checking but no one leaving messages. Feel free to leave comments, questions, or suggestions. :)
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