Reduced to tears in Olive Garden

Today was one of those days. I woke up feeling meh. Got my little buggy ready for school and started to head out the door. I forgot I needed to make her lunch for her visit and pack her visit bag. We ran back inside, had a little dance party, and completed our morning routine. She was in such a great mood. I mean wonderful mood! She was using her manners, squealing with delight, and sharing her hugs and kisses. And then it happened.

I picked up my keys, asked her to grab her sippie and I reached for the visit bag. Her eyes welled with tears. Her lip quivered. And she sat down on the ground and cried. Cried big huge crocodile tears. Screamed "No go mamma" over and over again. I held her in my lap and rocked her. I was able to get the tears under control and give her extra loves. We headed out the door. My heart a little heavier. I took her to school and talked with her teacher about this morning. The second I said visit, she broke down again. We were able to calm her down and get her playing with her little boyfriend.

I headed off and went for a morning run, and got ready for my work day. 3 days a week I try to get a run in to help clear my head. Before baby M I was running sometimes twice a day. It helps me relax and clear my thoughts. The run was hard. The morning kept repeating with each turn. Later in the day I met with a friend and her precious little one for lunch at our local hang out, Olive Garden. We were just about down when I received a message from the visit aide. Bio mom didn't show up again. This was the second time in a week she didn't show. Bug cried and cried all the way there and back I read. And I lost it. I mean big crocodile tears streaming down my face. Not the ugly cry though thank goodness. My heart ached so bad. I sat there and held this precious newborn and cried. During the busiest time of the day, I cried. I don't share my emotions often. In fact, I do my best to just appear happy.

I needed that cry. Thankfully I was with a friend who got it better than any one of my friends would. She knew what to say or not to say and she listened. I didn't know I would love baby M this much. I had no idea I would hurt so bad when she hurt. Sometimes, we all just need to cry.

-K