Making my circle smaller

Once upon a time, I had the perfect friend. We were literally two peas in a pod. Inseparable. I adored her and her daughter. Our friendship fell apart due to my insecurities. I never told her about my first ten years and really didn't let on as anything at home. It's not that I didn't trust her. 

Let me explain. If I told people about my past. It all of a sudden made it real. I was allowing myself to be... Viewed as weak I suppose. I didn't want anyone viewing me as weak. I didn't need pity. I didn't want any of it to be real. I wanted to forget. This all hurt too much but part of it hurt more by keeping the secret. 

The first time I told someone, I was 29 years old. I was driving my friends mom to the airport. I have known this family for 21 years. They are family. She yelled at me for speaking poorly of my mother. It all came out. It was like word vomit. I couldn't stop it. I talked and talked and talked. It took about 40 minutes to get to the airport. When I dropped her off. She looked at me and said "I have known your mother for 19 years. She's not a bad person." That was the last time I ever let anyone close to knowing again. Until a few weeks ago. I do share my experience with students and colleagues but not a soul from my past knows. 

The friendship in which my own insecurities destroyed is in the process of rekindling. I have been putting off telling her. I knew I needed to. I was fearful for so many different reasons. One big reason is her not believing me. Another one, rejection. I invited her to read a recent post I wrote about my past. It was raw but not the worst of the worst. 

She didn't reject me. She believes me. I'm sure she's hurt I didn't tell her but she accepts that the hurt I was feeling was greater. She truly is an amazing person, friend, and mother. 

She shared something with me shortly after we got back in contact. I reached out because I was stressed with all the parenting comments I was getting and she told me to keep my circle small. I listened but I didn't truly hear her. I've had to make some choices in regards to friendships this week that made my circle grow smaller. It hurt my heart and still does. Her insecurities hurt me more though. Looking back and seeing what insecurities can do to someone is astounding. I've been on both ends. It seems to really boil down to trust and communication. Something I struggle with. Both things I am working on. 

My fears are coming back today. I'm sitting at the airport waiting to fly home. My dad has invited all the kids over for my brother's birthday. We will all be together except two of my siblings. I will do what I need to do because I respect my dad more than anything in this world. I'm fearful it won't be easy. But I also think I will be surprised about how easy it will be. 

Until later. 

-K

Side note. This is my first time flying as a mom. I'm a little sad I can't flirt and pick up cute single travelers. Silly I know but oh my goodness. Some of these guys!!! 😍 one day....