Anyhow...
Friday morning our favorite DCS cm came by for our monthly visit. Court is in about 5 weeks. My anxiety is already building. I know he will be writing the court report soon and be recommending either more time or severance. I really wanted to ask him what he was going to recommend but I had a rough week with the friend boy and making my circle smaller (more on that later) that I could not take one more hit that week. As he was walking out, he reached and patted my back and let me know he would be requesting severance.
Up until last court hearing, I truly felt for the mom. I believed in her ability to change for Bug and I encouraged her to do everything she needed to do as often as I could. This all came to a sudden stop when she made a very poor choice that dramatically affected Bugs functioning. At that point, I washed my hands of her. I can no longer support and encourage a person who continues to harm my child.
Cut to Monday morning. I'm finally allowing myself to feel it. My heart is overflowing. Monday was one of those days I stopped and reflected. How truly blessed I am!! I have two healthy and smart little babies to love, requesting adoption of a precious little man (more on that too soon), I have my health, and incredibly kind, gentle, loving, and forgiving friend boy/boy friend, and a family to die for amongst so many other things. I truly am lucky. I have come so far in life and it is my time to feel the positives and hopefully rid the spell of having the worst luck imaginable.
We go to court in less than 5 weeks. My anxiety is already insane. If I think about it, I cry. The what ifs continue to be so great. I've worked this broken system long enough to know what can happen. I will not sit through another hearing without support of my own. I plan on bringing someone with me. I've asked friend boy and he said he would but I'm not sure if he truly gets what he's getting himself into. I've talked about her to him. He hasn't met her yet. We've got attachment issues and challenges with adult men still so I'm holding off. Plus, we need to figure each other out first before we involve the children. I have my BFF I can bring and I know she would come if I asked her but she is a single mom and I really don't want her missing work. We shall see who I finally bring...
Next! Friend boy <3 <3
I have been seeing J for a few months now. He is incredibly patient with me and my mounds of insecurities. Every time I try and push him away, he pulls me in closer and holds me tighter. This man is truly a god send. He is kind and loving. Funny and sweet. A little bit of a dork and I am falling hard for him. Last week, a friend tried to create some issues and I'm not quite sure why but I let her get in my head. I decided I was done with J. I was going to walk away and cut my losses. When she told me, I literally could not breathe. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. She kept pushing the issue to. In the middle of my work day the next day, she created more issues. I was just about ready to walk in and see a patient who was actively dying and she sent another loaded text. I sat outside and tried to catch my breath. I couldnt focus. I was shaking. My heart was broken. History was repeating itself. My first thought was, "why am I never enough?" I started self doubting, ripping my self apart, and all my demons about who I was told I was for many years by other men and my own mother were screaming. I did not have the time for this. I was done. I should never had started dating. I was 100% honest with him and how it made me feel about what I was being told. I went for a run. I could barely get a mile in. I sat down by the lake and continued to try to clear my head. It seemed like eternity before I could pull myself together to drive home. I should have trusted my gut. My friend had other motives and I was in the wrong for not trusting who I should have trusted in the first place. I hurt J, he will never admit it, but I'm sure I did. I was pretty saucy and direct. I don't have time for bs and honestly, I was looking for a way out anyways. Falling in love again is absolutely terrifying!!! He did what he does best. He pulled me back in, held me tighter, and loved me more. Every single morning, this man writes me a little love text. Sometimes I beat him to it depending on Chunks wake up schedule but not usually. How in the world did I get so lucky??? He calls me his Wonder Woman but honestly, he's my super hero for teaching me to love and trust again.
More on Chunk and Little Man later. I need to go wrestle a post visit toddler and give cuddles and kisses until she can't take it anymore.
-K
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