The Holiday Season has Begun

The holidays have always been a rough time of the year for me. It's when everything fell apart growing up. The abuse was usually at its worst. The stress was always high. It's also when I was kidnapped. Holidays are always rough for me. 

I thought being a mom, things would be different. This is my first thanksgiving as a mom. The girls and I had a good day. We have Chunks sister and she's as sweet as can be. I cooked them a nice dinner. The elf on the shelf left them a surprise after bed. We watched movies and read books and I put the girls down. And then the tears just started coming out of no where. 

I had another hard conversation today with someone I treasure. This person asked how my mother was and I just was tired of lying. So I told her the total truth. I'm so tired of having to continue to tell the story or come clean to people about her. When does this end??? 

I honestly thought holidays would start to get easier. I miss my family so much. The trauma and the memories do not fade. It's learning to live with them. Sometimes, I just break. I cannot always be strong. Maybe it's court coming up. Or maybe it's just the season, but tonight I cannot be strong. 

-K