Going into foster care, I knew there would be some things I would learn along the way. I thought I knew everything about everything. I was a little cocky going into this. You see, I am a child and family therapist for a nonprofit in my town. I am the head clinician for the Department of Child Safety team. I have spent the past four years working directly with foster children. I thought I knew what to expect as a foster parent. I was wrong of course and I am proud to admit it.
1) The amount of love I have for this child.
I had no idea I would fall fiercely in love with this child as if she were my own. I figured I would form an attachment and bond with her but I had no idea it would be to the level it is. I adore her. I love every single piece of this child. I watch her sleep and sometimes just watch her breathe. I love every naughty thing she does. I cannot imagine being without her, although one day she might go home. I love hearing her say “mommy” and attempting an I love you. I love love love her hugs. My heart melts into a puddle when she gives me hugs. I feel euphoric when she crawls in my lap for cuddles. I love this child. I did not expect to love this much and this hard.
2) I actually have kind feelings for the bio mom.
The first few days I had baby M, I thought nonstop about her mamma. Was she okay? Was she crying? Is she eating? Is she able to sleep? I wonder how she’s holding up. These thoughts did not stop and have not stopped. I’m a compassionate and empathetic person but I have been working this field for so long that my feelings towards the bio parents, professionally, have been getting cynical. I never expected to actually feel for her mom. I am so used to feeling angry at the parents. I still feel for her mom. Although, my feelings turn towards frustration at times, she is still a human being and her precious child was taken from her. I still feel for her. I did not expect to feel for biological parents.
3) The love for my animals grew.
That may sound silly for some people. Animals have been my saving grace. Without them, I’m not sure where I will be. A single wild rescue horse is responsible for saving my life. That’s a story for later. I had four dogs at home, now I have three with the recent loss of Maggie. I expected to feel a little like my friends and think they were in the way or get frustrated with them. Let’s face it, I have two golden retrievers and they WILL NEVER GROW UP! They still act like crazy pups and they are 6 and 7. I love watching them interact with baby M. I love seeing her dress them up, steal each other’s toys, snuggle, and I even love when they kiss her all over and she is squealing with delight. I love watching her stroke the muzzle of my horses, climb onto their backs, and hold their heads. I love seeing her exchange “meows” with my one eyed cat and pull the tail of my other kitty and get kitten kisses in exchange. I love seeing my fish swarm the tank glass when she comes near. I even love that the chickens know she will probably drop and break an egg so they stick close to her in the evenings. I did not expect to adore my animals more than I did.
4) I love the mess.
I always have kept a clean home. My mom was a hoarder so when I got my own home, I always kept it spotless. I would apologize for the mess if there was a dog toy lying on the ground. After baby M goes to bed at night, I will often sit on a chair in the dining area and smile, admiring the amazing tornado that went through my home. I love seeing her dolls in the dog bed covered with a blankie, her teddies strewn from one end to the next, her cars and tractors throughout the kitchen, and her sippie cups tucked in hidden places. I never expected to enjoy the mess., let alone love it. I did not expect to have a messy home fill my heart.
5) I love laundry.
If my friends were reading this, they would die laughing. I HATE LAUNDRY!!! I have enough clothes to last a month. Not because I love shopping but solely because that is how much I hate laundry. Crazy huh! Before I got baby M, I started nesting. I washed all the donated clothes and bedding and sorted. I loved folding and sorting. I knew this would pass. I was wrong. Again. I love doing her laundry and keeping her clothes organized. I love hanging up her little dresses and shirts. I love sorting her drawers. I did not expect to grow a love for laundry.
Let’s get down to the real nitty gritty stuff.
6) To feel her emotions as if they were my own.
I had no idea that I would so strongly connect with her, that her emotions would become my own. When she is sad, I’m sad. When she is happy, I am over the moon with joy. When she is loving, I melt into a puddle, again. I’m a puddly person I guess. I had no idea that the first time she would get emotionally hurt, I would cry with her. This week the visit aide picked her up for a visit from my office and she cried being taken from me. I walked back up the stairs to my class with tears streaming down my face. I had no idea to feel so deeply for a tiny human.
7) The number of blessings just grew.
I have a ridiculous amount of “bad” luck. People point it out to me all the time. I often hear “I don’t know how you’re still standing.” I have learned to count my blessings to get me through life. I had no idea that counting blessings would turn from an ability to keep my head up to something that is flooding out of my heart. Now, I count my blessings because I am so incredibly happy. Before, it was a coping skill. I never expected counting my blessings to be a flood of joy from my heart.
8) Little comments hurt.
I was fully prepared to receive nasty remarks on through this journey in life. I had already received quite a few. I thought I could handle them and I could brush them off as easily as they were spoken. I was wrong. I was so wrong. It hurts so much to hear comments such as “You’re not a real mom,” “This is just a phasing phase for you,” “Don’t let her touch my children. You don’t know where she’s come from.” Those are a few of the PG comments I have heard. I have heard many more but each hurts as much as the next. I never expected to receive and be hurt by hateful comments.
9) I lost friends and gained unexpected friends.
During training, our training told a story about his wife cleaning her “Friend closet” out and getting rid of the friends that required a lot of attention. I knew what he meant and always thought, I am a friend for life. Through thick and thin, I am here for my friends. I never stopped being here for my friends but they stopped reaching out to me. I could no longer drop everything and talk for an hour by text or phone because they had a bad day. I could no longer rush to their children’s events as often as I had before. At 6 pm, I better be home getting my little one a bath, cuddles, story time, and in bed. I am no longer out eating with them. I no longer have the time during work hours to grab lunch because I stopped taking my left over work home. Certain friends stopped calling and coming around. Other friends changed from “hi” here and there to amazing supports. I never expected to clean out my “friend closet.”
10) I never expected for this to fill my heart.
I knew I would find joy in parenting. It was quite obvious to everyone around me that parenting was suited for me. I adore children and I’m immature enough to have a blast with parenting. Through life, I have always tried to fill the void in my heart by pouring myself into relationships, giving 110% into my career and helping others, giving back and caring for each and every person and thing I could. My heart has never truly been full. Baby M filled every single inch of my body with happiness and love. My heart is flooding with joy. My face is glowing all the time. I am happily growing smile wrinkles. My heart is full.
This has been an incredible journey and is has only just begun. Fostering is not a passing phase in life for me. It’s a way of life. It’s my calling. God has amazing plans for me. I am truly blessed.
-K
Shortly after writing this, I came across this article. Something's are meant to be.
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