A little bit of everything

Friend boy 

I'm at that point with J that is either going to make or break us. He is an incredible father. I love this about him. He and his ex share custody. When he is with his kids, he is with his kids. He doesn't make time for me at all. I feel very selfish saying that. It's to the point that he won't even return a call or text for 5-6 hours. HELLO INSECURITIES!!!! I always have my girls. Always. I always make time for him. I'm trying to stop. Monday, I rescheduled a dentist appointment for the baby so I could see him. Stupid. I shouldn't have done it. But I rescheduled it for Tuesday. He thanked me but he would never do anything like that. He can't even return a text... So when is enough, enough. I've decided that when i pick the girls up after school until the time they go to bed, my phone will be plugged in, in the other room. It will be good for me and the girls. My focus will be where it needs to be. J can wait. Just like I wait for him.  

I don't know how to date. I don't know how to be in a relationship with someone like him. But to add it all up and include the fact that I'm a single parent, it's all just a huge clusterf&@k. I should have waited until I moved. I've put a timeline on it. If life still looks like this at the end of the year, I'm going to cut my losses and bow out. My heart will absolutely be broken. At that point, it will be easier to go through a heart break than to continue to wonder why he doesn't want to be with me as much as I want to be with him. Do not get me wrong. I am fine with not seeing him daily. But I would like to see him more than every other week....  And I would like him to put some effort into this other than just talk. He's a good talker. That's for sure.... 

What is a mother? 

In the past few weeks, I have had lots of challenges. More than normal. I've had many times where I hurt, a lot, from my mother's actions. How could she have just walked away like that?? I am her only child that stuck by her side. And she walked away from me. Sometimes, when Bug calls me mom, I have a hard time hearing it because I have an image of my mother. I don't want to feel like that. How does this woman continue to find ways to hurt me. One of my sisters yelled at me not too long ago. About this actually. She said I'm allowing her to hurt me. I keep thinking about it. I don't know how to stop allowing her to hurt me. I'm hoping when I start my life without her, things will look different. I'm hoping... 

Little Man 

My friends J and T had their first placement who was little man. He was 5. I connected with him quickly and developed a strong bond with him. His uncle became placement in Ohio. A few weeks later, they sent him back with his sisters. He was back in a group home. I've requested to adopt him. His current adoptions worker is trying to push a family member to take all 3 children. The family only wants the little ones. So I'm waiting. Trying to be patient. But I sit and wait.... 

-K