Since my dad's heart attack, I planned on moving home. My dad held me off since he would be moving to Tennessee. He found a house and he and my brother are moving soon. When I went home in July, watching my dad and brother with bug filled my heart. I want her to have a grandparent and uncle in her life. I cannot give her either in tucson. So my decision was to wait it out here with bug. If I adopt, we will move. If she reunifies, I will need my family and I will move. Either way, the move was imminent.
After much harassing from friends and family, I decided to start to date again. I needed to allow my heart the opportunity to heal from E. I joined a dating site. I shot down every single guy that messaged me. I found reasons why they wouldn't work. I just wasn't into it. A profile caught my eye and he had a fun cannonball picture. Who doesn't love a good cannon ball??? I messaged him and we have since been talking all day everyday and seeing each other sometimes twice a day.
He is wonderful. He is kind and loving. He is a great father. He showers me with compliments and is constantly giving me affection and praise. This is the man I have waited my whole life for. And I'm talking myself out of it. I'm constantly fighting falling for him. I'm fighting his kind words. I'm fighting his loving gestures. My brain is trying to figure out a way out of this. I don't want to hurt him. I need to move. I need to be with family. I have no one here but my friends. And let's be honest. I adore my friends but holidays and other events, you want family. You don't want to be hanging out with someone else's family. When I am with him, I am so happy. So so happy. When I'm not, I'm like a wild horse backed in a corner. I need to find a way out.
I'm a hospice social worker now. This week has been tough. Tonight my work phone rang as I was thinking of my dad, the move, and my friend boy. I answered it only because I was waiting for this call. I talked to a man bawling his eyes out for 30+ minutes. I had to explain his only parent is dying and is ready to let go. Is this a sign? Is this a push to move? The call has taken the life out of me tonight. It was rough. I cried after I hung up with him. Man, I'm starting to sound like a cry baby....
What in the world did I get myself into. I refuse to choose. My dad will always win. My friends keep saying to relax and just enjoy day by day. But this guy is in it for the long haul. He's not going anywhere and I don't want to hurt him and I do not want my children to meet him just for me to take him away. The same for his babies. I don't want them getting hurt either. Perhaps I'm overthinking this but the reality of the situation is if I am planning on moving, the prep should begin now.
Life....
-K
No comments:
Post a Comment