Makes me think.

I remember the day this picture was taken. I don't have many memories as a child and most are bad. J and K are on either side of me. My big toe poking out always makes me laugh. The carpet. Oh goodness, the carpet. You can see the littlest part of T and that's when it comes flooding back.

K's face tells a story. It wasn't a good afternoon. We didn't keep the house clean enough and T was held responsible. Shortly before this picture,  I was holding onto her leg. Hugging her as tight as I could. I was afraid to look at her face. I knew though. She had sunglasses on. I knew. K was the only one who didn't pretend to be happy. J was always happy. Always trying to make light of what was happening. Always trying to distract. I was the baby. I hid. A lot. 

When I went home last month, my dad and I talked for a long time. We talked about the past. The day I was taken. The years after. I told my story and he told his. We both cried. It was so hard to see my dad cry. Something he told me hurt pretty bad. It hurt the little girl in me and then I hurt for my sisters. 

Going home has made me realize who family is. I spent an afternoon at K's house with her family. I have never met them before. She has two little girls and a husband. It was a very uncomfortable situation. She wasn't kind to me or Bug. I was out of place and I wanted to go home to my dads. I did it for my dad though. It helped me realize, that part of my life is over and I can move forward. Biologically, T and K are my sisters. Realistically, we are strangers. Circumstances, beyond our control, have driven us apart. We are all too hurt and damaged to move forward as a family. We are surviving how we know best. Protect our children and our hearts because life can be cruel. 

My dad told me, the day I was taken, my sisters were babysitting me. T had to go to run out so K and J were suppose to watch me. She came up the drive and they ran into the woods and hid. They left me in the house because I was too loud. I don't even remember the last time. It's all a blur. Hearing this from my dad hurt that little girl in me. But hearing this made me understand why they have pushed me so far away for so long. They have guilt in them. I need to eventually say I forgive them. And I do. I hold no grudges. I am happy with who I am and where I am in life. I have always wanted to show them who I am. I was hoping they would be proud of me. Even as an adult I hoped for this. But this last trip home made me realize that two of my sisters are not my sisters. I can move forward. It was closure for me. 

I have chosen to move. I need a fresh start and I need my family. I want my dad to have an opportunity to be a grandfather. I want Bug to have a grandparent and an uncle. She attached quickly to both of them. It looks like adoption is in our near future. Her mom is messing up pretty bad. Once the adoption is finalized and we figure out what Chunks plan is, we will move. 

I need this. I need this so bad. 

-K